On erotic arts

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Randall Tobias, director of the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID)
Re: Fantasy fun

Dear Ambassador Tobias,

Laurence Shandy here. I know you've come under fire recently for your implication in the prostitution ring allegedly run by Deborah Jeane Palfrey. I want you to know that you have my total, unquestioning support. According to Ms. Palfrey, her organization did not provide illicit and illegal sex to high-ranking members of the Washington, D.C. élite. Instead, her company, Pamela Martin and Associates, offered a generous menu of delectable young women who would give you a deep-tissue massage -- on your back, might I add, which is perfectly legal -- and engage in some light, relaxing chit-chat. They may have come to your house, but they did not come in your house, and no law was broken.

For some reason, the media seems to have difficulty believing that you would hire a nubile young fawn to simply work out some of your shoulder knots. They are implying that you actually had sex with these women. Haven't they ever heard of the erotic art of abstinénce? You yourself have been one of abstinénce's biggest proponents. In your role Director of Foreign Assistance, you have spread the gospel of abstinénce throughout the third world as a healthy alternative to a painful death from AIDS.

Kudos to you, sir. I, for one, have had first-hand experience with the more media-friendly AIDS alternative, the common latex condom. I agree with you. The things don't work! They're rough as hell, for one. Why, a few years ago I almost had to give up an ongoing sexual relationship with the Olsen twins for all the chafing. Fortunately, Ashley (the smart one) had the idea of lubing up my rubber-clad member with a handful of spunk from her sister's eyebrow. And guess what? Nine months later, the Olsen twins became the Olsen moms. Thank God their list of recent sexual partners was as an Albertson's receipt, or my streak of unclaimed fatherhood would have come whining to a halt!

And besides, a few visits from buxom congressional interns with sacks full of lavender oil would be completely ruined by genital-to-genital contact. It goes against the very art of abstinénce. You build the tension. You nurture it. You inflate your scrotum with so much spunk, you could ride your testicles like rubber jumping balls. Then, you unload them into your good lady wife.

Or, in my case, into Lou Dobbs' brown-eye.

Keep the faith, Ambassador. You'll win in the end.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On tempting fate

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Delaney Kinchen, emergency room doctor, University of Arkansas medical center
Re: Bees

Dear Dr. Kinchen,

Celebrity wordsmith Laurence Shandy here. I read about the recent bee attack on your hospital, and I'd like express my deep relief that no one was harmed during the siege. Bees are nature's Al-Qaeda. They're burrowers. Secretive. They conspire in swarms. Strike with deadly precision. They make delicious honey. They are bearded.

I can't imagine facing down an oncoming horde of 7,000 bees. It's a scenario inconceivable outside an ER season finalé. EMTs rushing gurneys through the sliding glass doors. Nurses shouting into telephones. The word "stat" spinning through the room like a dagger at a circus.

Your quote in the Arkansas Democratic-Gazette's article sums up the danger. "I've been stung thousands of times and never had any problems," you said, "but I know people who have been stung twice and almost died."

You are a hero, sir. A protector of the sick and bee-allergic.

And you are also a fraud.

"Thousands of times", Dr. Kinchen? Who has the opportunity in life to be stung thousands of times by vicious bees? What game are you playing here? Why are you at war with the bees? What have you done to them? Your experiments have gone too far, doctor. The best of intentions lead to the worst of deeds.

Damn it, man, you are not God!

Don't cross the bees, doctor. This was only a warning. As I so painfully know, they are capable of much, much worse. They took my Meredith from me. Pray they take nothing more from you.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On tightening our borders

From: Laurence Shandy
To: United States Citizenship and Immigration Services
Re: New naturalization test

Dear U.S.C.I.S.,

International literary icon Laurence Shandy here. I'm writing for two reasons. First, kudos on this May Day for finally amping up the rigor of your naturalization test for United States immigrants. For too long Mexicans and other brown people have been granted U.S. citizenship after proving only a slightly above native knowledge of our history and doctrines. If I have to have another conversation with the hombre rotating my Maserati tires about the book he's reading on Jamestown's quadricentennial, I'm going to be driven to a hate crime. Just keep scrubbing Scarlett Johansson's she-come out of my floorboards, Pedro. Don't lecture me about Thomas Jefferson's hard-on for Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

It's about time we raised the bar for these immigrants at least as high as one of those sections of border wall. But the other reason I'm writing is because I don't think the new naturalization test goes far enough. "How many amendments does the Constitution have?" "We elect a U.S. senator for how many years?" "Who is the Senate Majority Leader now?" Any retard with a student visa and a Shakira poster could memorize that stuff. So, here are some sample questions from a new test I've come up with.

1. How much did the U.S. pay for the Louisiana Territory?
a) 14 cigarettes and a bottle of wine
b) a mule-full of dime sacks
c) Thomas Jefferson's first-born hijo
d) some money

Answer: d

2. What are the colors of the U.S. flag?
a) chrome, aqua, and orange
b) turquoise and silver
c) red, blue, and red
d) none of the above

Answer: c

3. What does freedom of religion mean?
a) Baptist
b) Methodist
c) Unitarian
d) Catholic

Answer: a, b, or c

4. If the U.S. president could no longer serve, who becomes president?
a) the vice-president
b) Presidentbot 6000
c) Laura Bush
d) winner of text-message vote

Answer: I don't know, but shouldn't it be the last one? Just a suggestion.

5. What country is on the northern border of the United States?
a) Montana
b) Delaware
c) Cold Mexico
d) Vermont

Answer: Okay, the real answer isn't listed, but I think we shouldn't tell any immigrants about Canada. They'll take any old hungry bum yearning to breathe free. And their test is much easier.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE
From: United States Citizenship and Immigration Services
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: New naturalization test

Thank you for your comments on USCIS.gov. Your message will be read within two business days. Due to the large number of messages we receive, we cannot reply to every message beyond this automated acknowledgement and you should not expect an individual reply. Under the Privacy Act, we cannot provide any information about a pending application or petition for benefits, or answer any case-specific questions.