On cutting a break

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Ron Lopp, California Medical Association spokesperson
Re: Assisted suicide

Dear Dr. Lopp,

So, Dr. Death himself, Jack Kevorkian, is set to be released from jail and a bill is moving through the California legislature which would legalize doctor-assisted suicide in your home state. You, of course, oppose the bill. Any physician worth his weight in prescription drugs knows that a doctor's role is to help a patient to the best of his ability, not to end life. I believe you put it best when you described assisted suicide as the "ultimate abandonment of a patient". Indeed, without a doctor by his side, how could a terminally ill person stretch out his life another two to three months? Frankly, death is the easy way out, and those who take the easy way never build the character one needs to succeed in this modern world. If my Druid protection spell ever wears off and I contract an incurable disease, here's hoping I could count on a responsible doctor like yourself to hook me up to drug me, tube me, and irradiate me until the last bit of mitochondrial strength is sucked out of my cells. I'm willing to give up my sense of taste and my ability to recognize my loved ones if it means a few more weeks of marginal brain activity in a hospital. Preferably one of those swanky Jewish ones. Hospitals are just like airplanes -- always choose the kosher meal.

Let me tell you a story. When my Uncle Toby contracted terminal flesh-rot in the jungles of New Guinea, he wanted to die. By the time I found a house sitter and made it down to see him, he was really nothing more than a torso and an arm. With that arm, he somehow managed to scribble the words "kill me pleez" on his bed sheets with a pus-covered finger. How utterly selfish. Uncle Toby's hospitalization was the closest thing to a family reunion we'd had in years. There we were, taking time out of our lives and redirecting our magazine subscriptions, for what? To watch our dear uncle dissolve into a gelatinous puddle and to enjoy a bit of Aunt Delilah's fruit cake while we were at it. Was it too much to ask Uncle Toby to keep his neurons flaring a couple more days? I don't think so. But the selfish bastard kicked it just before I could make time with my cousin Wilma, who turned out not to be as closely related as I thought. And the sadness he caused! Thankfully, we only had Uncle Toby to blame. Could you imagine if his doctor had murdered him?

Actually, I wouldn't have blamed the doctor if he had offed my uncle. Toby kept taking the I.V. out of his wrist and jam it into what was left of his heart. Fortunately, he wasn't too dexterous with the single arm, but the poor doctor kept having to put the needle back in place. Christ, Uncle Toby was annoying.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE #1
From: Michelle Grant, CMAnet.org
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: Letter to Ron Lopp

Ok, I’m not sure why this is directed to you, or should I say to Dr. Lopp, but this is kind of funny. Normally I would delete something like this, but this guy writes with a good sarcastic tone that I couldn’t pass up. Enjoy! Dr Lopp!! HA!


REBUTTAL #1
From: Laurence Shandy
To: Michelle Grant, CMAnet.org
Re: Mis-sent correspondence

Dear Ms. Grant,

International literary celebrity Laurence Shandy here. Obviously you mistakenly re-sent my letter to Dr. Lopp back to me. I have no idea who you are, but you obviously intercepted my communique with Dr. Lopp. You must, therefore, be in his confidence. I trust you'll make sure he actually receives my letter, though I am a bit put off by your description of my "sarcastic tone". Believe me, there's nothing sarcastic about the Pabst Blue Ribbon can filled with my Uncle Toby's greasy remains that I keep on my mantle. A tribute? Not so much. Uncle Toby hated Pabst Blue Ribbon. Serves him right for all the pain his painful disease caused my family. If only the little solid matter left of him could rot, I would wish it do so in hell.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE #2
From: Michelle Grant, CMAnet.org
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: Mis-sent correspondence

My sincere apologies, Mr. Shandy. I will be sure to forward your memo to Ron immediately. You should know, however, that Ron Lopp is our Broadcast Manager and not a doctor. I meant no offense by my "sarcastic tone" comment. If anything, your message served as a breath of fresh air to those we normally receive from our public site. Again, my apologies.

Michelle

REBUTTAL #2
From: Laurence Shandy
To: Michelle Grant, CMAnet.org
Re: Apology

Dear Michelle,

Apology accepted. As far as my fresh air-iness, I'm only glad I could be of service. Speaking of, how would you like an all expense paid night out with an international literary celebrity? I happen to know one, and his name rhymes with "me".

As a collector of macabre devices, I've managed to procure one of Dr. Kevorkian's death machines. Fill it full of cyanide and it's a one-way ticket to an early grave. Fill it with vodka and amphetamines, however, and it's a one-way ticket to pleasure.

Think about it.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE #3
From: Michelle Grant, CMAnet.org
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: Titillation

In so far as Uncle Toby’s Pabst Blue Ribbon can isn't confused with the vodka bottle, I’m sure Kevorkian’s death machine would be a hoot!! A real chick magnet, I imagine.


REBUTTAL #3
From: Laurence Shandy
To: Michelle Grant, CMAnet.org
Re: Titillation returned

Dear Michelle,

Actually, I own a chick magnet as well. It's a device from the time of the Inquisition. Horseshoe shaped, of course. It was meant to attract only witches, but pretty much any woman who comes within thirty yards of it gets yanked off her feet. I don't think it's God that makes the thing work (since, obviously, God doesn't exist), but I do say a prayer of thanks every time I see the magnet in action.

How's this weekend sound? If you don't recognize me from my dust jacket photos, then you'll recognize me as the man in the chopper.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman