On revenge

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Angelika Brandt, marine biologist, University of Hamburg
Re: New Antarctic species

Dear Dr. Brandt,

Congratulations on your discovery of a treasure trove of new marine species around Antarctica. The prestige you earn from this expedition will undoubtedly serve as the first step on a quick journey to marine biology fame and fortune. Soon, you will be hobnobbing with the artistic élite, snorting lines of cocaine from the most exclusive toilet seats, kicking the likes of George Clooney and Linsay Lohan out of bed in the morning. It's all about the sex for you. There's no time for love when there are more unknown crustaceans grazing the ocean's rocky bottom.

I understand you're a busy woman, so I'd be all the more appreciative if you'd take a moment from your Versace fittings to listen to my story. I'm hoping your expedition may have discovered a prey I've hunted for over a quarter century.

You must realize that I was leading a life very similar to yours. I was at the height of my profession -- trotting the globe and missing deadlines with the best of them. The world was a buffet of physical pleasures, and I piled them on my plate, tongs in both hands. My peers were the icons of American letters, and my lips would only leave the bottle long enough to suck upon the crotches of Hollywood royalty. It would take a special woman to earn the privilege of my obsession. And Meredith was a very special woman.

I won't go into all her virtues, but suffice to say, I've never met another woman who could pee on me all night and whip up a vat of Hollandaise in the morning. We spent a month straight in my Alpine loft, dining on fine French sauces and each other's bodily fruits.

But as Adam and Eve forsook paradise in that famous comic book story, so to did I forsake Meredith. An ex-KGB operative named Kloft took advantage of me in the back room of a Moscow gin joint. I was on assignment for Teen People, undercover in the fast-paced world of Russian ballet, and Kloft caught me in a lonely moment. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. Kloft was experienced in all manner of interrogation techniques. Add a couple of nipple clamps, and you've got a recipe for adultery.

I came clean to Meredith upon my return home. Turned out she'd been servicing most of the surviving members of Lyndon Johnson's administration. It was a fetish she had, and she was left all alone as well. I could still smell Bill Moyers' Old Spice on my pillow. I could taste his seed on our brandy glasses.

So, Meredith and I went on a relationship-mending circumglobal yachting expedition. The first few weeks were rough. We barely spoke to one another. We sat on opposite sides of the sleeping cabin, watching each other masturbate and sneering. But we had rented the yacht from Brangelina, and when we discovered their hidden cooler of cough syrup and heroin, the tide of our voyage changed. Meredith and I could share something again. We'd spend the days chasing the horse and cutting each other with fishing line. We were in love.

And our love is what the monster must have smelled. Either that or all the blood we dripped in the water. Regardless, on a cold Sunday afternoon somewhere in the Indian ocean, a sea beast plucked my Meredith right off the deck. I didn't get a good look at it. It only seemed to exist in my peripheral vision, but I caught glances of tentacles and spines and swarms of bees. It was unspeakable.

My years spent stowing away aboard whaling ships and sampling only the fleshly pleasures of salty seamen led to naught. I never saw the creature again. Which is why I'm writing you, Dr. Brandt. Perhaps you discovered such a beast on your expedition? If not, perhaps you could keep an eye out for such a beast on your future expeditions. Perhaps we could discuss this over a nice dinner. It's about time you insinuated yourself into the tabloid personal life of an international literary celebrity. I think we could make an excellent team -- seeking revenge and fortune on the open seas.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE
From: Dr. Angelika Brandt, marine biologist, University of Hamburg
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: New Antarctic species

Dear Lawrence,

I never came across to see such a creature, but I will look out for it...;-)

With best wishes,
ANGELIKA