On tightening our borders

From: Laurence Shandy
To: United States Citizenship and Immigration Services
Re: New naturalization test

Dear U.S.C.I.S.,

International literary icon Laurence Shandy here. I'm writing for two reasons. First, kudos on this May Day for finally amping up the rigor of your naturalization test for United States immigrants. For too long Mexicans and other brown people have been granted U.S. citizenship after proving only a slightly above native knowledge of our history and doctrines. If I have to have another conversation with the hombre rotating my Maserati tires about the book he's reading on Jamestown's quadricentennial, I'm going to be driven to a hate crime. Just keep scrubbing Scarlett Johansson's she-come out of my floorboards, Pedro. Don't lecture me about Thomas Jefferson's hard-on for Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

It's about time we raised the bar for these immigrants at least as high as one of those sections of border wall. But the other reason I'm writing is because I don't think the new naturalization test goes far enough. "How many amendments does the Constitution have?" "We elect a U.S. senator for how many years?" "Who is the Senate Majority Leader now?" Any retard with a student visa and a Shakira poster could memorize that stuff. So, here are some sample questions from a new test I've come up with.

1. How much did the U.S. pay for the Louisiana Territory?
a) 14 cigarettes and a bottle of wine
b) a mule-full of dime sacks
c) Thomas Jefferson's first-born hijo
d) some money

Answer: d

2. What are the colors of the U.S. flag?
a) chrome, aqua, and orange
b) turquoise and silver
c) red, blue, and red
d) none of the above

Answer: c

3. What does freedom of religion mean?
a) Baptist
b) Methodist
c) Unitarian
d) Catholic

Answer: a, b, or c

4. If the U.S. president could no longer serve, who becomes president?
a) the vice-president
b) Presidentbot 6000
c) Laura Bush
d) winner of text-message vote

Answer: I don't know, but shouldn't it be the last one? Just a suggestion.

5. What country is on the northern border of the United States?
a) Montana
b) Delaware
c) Cold Mexico
d) Vermont

Answer: Okay, the real answer isn't listed, but I think we shouldn't tell any immigrants about Canada. They'll take any old hungry bum yearning to breathe free. And their test is much easier.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE
From: United States Citizenship and Immigration Services
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: New naturalization test

Thank you for your comments on USCIS.gov. Your message will be read within two business days. Due to the large number of messages we receive, we cannot reply to every message beyond this automated acknowledgement and you should not expect an individual reply. Under the Privacy Act, we cannot provide any information about a pending application or petition for benefits, or answer any case-specific questions.