On straightening the curtains

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Fiona Godlee, editor in chief, British Medical Journal
Re: Designer vaginas

Dear Ms. Godlee,

My name is Laurence Shandy (yes, that Laurence Shandy), and I'm writing to you about a recent article in your medical journal. As an advocate of science in all its dirty forms, I browse the journals regularly. I'm consistently awed by the faculties of the human mind. We are living in a time of unprecedented medical advancement. Global life expectancy is the highest its ever been, so it stands to reason that our chins, faces, buttocks, and breasts should also be as elevated as possible. As the old proverb goes: beauty is in the eye-lift of the beholder.

Which is why I was so appalled to read the hateful and borderline slanderous article in your most recent edition that lambastes the current designer vagina movement. Notice I use the word "movement" instead of the flippant "trend" that seems to be so popular an identifier of this scientific breakthrough.

The article in question posits that due to some psychologically dysfunctional negative image of a big, floppy vagina, women are undergoing unnecessary genitoplasty that may have unwanted and severe side-effects. Frankly, any hypothetical side-effect of a labial tightening would be necessarily secondary to the primary effect these procedures have -- specifically, a firm, nubile, prepubescent mons de Venus.

We may not know exactly how many cosmetic crotch surgeries women in the United States and Britain are having, but we definitely know the reasons why. There is no unreasonable, media-driven mangling of a healthy self-image that's driving these lucky ladies to the knife. Indeed, an engorged set of meat curtains inhibits women from wearing tight clothing, feeling comfortable at the beach or in communal showers, and riding bicycles. Not to mention the fact that no one wants to part a pair of gams and be staring straight into Droopy Dog's face.

What is your problem with women, Ms. Godlee? This article's hysterical claims that a lack of testing and rigor in these procedures could result in permanent genital damage are nothing more than misogynist propaganda. Tell you what, the women of the world can keep their hands off your genitals if you keep your hands off theirs. This is a free society in which we live, and I'm sorry to break the news to you, but everyone's included. And when I'm faced with the choice between a vagina that hangs lower than Henry Kissinger's jowls and one as tight and narrow as a credit card reader, I know which one I'll choose. I'll pick the vagina attached to a woman who won't bow to the British Medical Journal's opinion -- the one whose camel toe doesn't look more like a camel's mouth.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, feminist


RESPONSE
From: Dr. Fiona Godlee, editor in chief, British Medical Journal
To: Laurence Shand
Re: Designer vaginas

Dear Laurence Shandy,

Thank you for this. I have no strong opinions on the matter, except that I hope to get through life without surgery to my genitals and think it appropriate for a medical journal to point out the potential dangers of surgery and the alternatives, at a time when reliable evidence is currently lacking. But I will pass your comments on to the authors of the paper, who will, I am sure, find them diverting.

All best wishes,
Fiona Godlee


REBUTTAL
From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Fiona Godlee, editor in chief, British Medical Journal
Re: Designer vaginas

Dear Dr. Godlee,

I appreciate your response and feel I owe you an apology. As it tends to do, my reason was overcome by my love of vaginae. I am sorry your genitals were dragged into this debate, and I appreciate your passing along my comments to the authors of the original paper. I hope they find my position something more than "diverting", though. Unless, of course, they are inspired to divert themselves from pursuing a world of strictly au naturale muffs.

Here's to your continued success in the field of publishing ethically questionable papers on the vaginal sciences.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman