On making a decision

Dear readers,

The next election for president of the United States is only a year and five months away. With so little time between now and then, several of you have been frothing at the mouth to know which candidate will receive my king-making endorsement. My instinct tells me to keep you in the dark. To draw out the anticipation and, thus, intensify the pleasure of revelation. It's the same instinct that tells me to tie a rubber band around the base of my scrotum during coitus -- tearing it off only after my partner's voice has gone hoarse with begging.

Truthfully, though, I've simply had a very difficult time deciding which of the candidates to throw myself behind. All of them have their pros and cons. For instance, there is America's first viable black candidate, Hillary Clinton, who, through no fault of her own, happens to be a middle-aged white woman. To wit:



And then there's veteran Senator Joseph Biden, who is not afraid to embrace all colors and races into America's workforce.



But what about Mike Gravel? With a back-to-basics style of campaigning, he's standing up for the fundamentals of human civilization. For example, the harnessing of fire.



With all these fine choices, it was hard to come to a decision. But when I saw this video from candidate Al Goldstein, I finally had to rip off the rubber band and let my support come spewing forth. Good luck, Al. I'm behind you.