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From: Laurence Shandy
To: Katie Couric, CBS Evening News anchor
Re: Tarting it up

Dear Katie,

Laurence Shandy here. It's been a while since we last met. I was on the Today show promoting my latest memoir, Shandy Do, Shandy Don't, and you and Matt weren't speaking. I forget what your quarrel was about. Something to do with the attention his body was getting at the time. I was chattier than normal, having downed a pint of crystal meth-laced orange juice to wake me up. I remember the commercial break when I reached between the buttons of Matt's shirt with one hand and grabbed a handful of your golden thigh with the other. I completed a circuit that morning. I felt an alternating current flowing from his abs to your gams and back again. Remember you asked me not to touch your leg, so I let go? But there was power there, Katie. I felt it.

And it's that very power of which Mr. Dan Rather is grossly unaware. His recent comments about how your move to CBS has "dumbed down" and "tarted up" the Evening News are both irresponsible and unfounded. If anything, your arrival in that hallowed chair has added just the right touches of ass and class that CBS so desperately needed.

Rather is a jealous, lonely old man. His liberal bias got the better of him, and now he's been shuffled away to the wild frontier of HDNet, where those with high definition televisions can finally see into every soiled pore on his pockmarked face. As a standard definition broadcast network, CBS gently ensconces you, Katie, in a soft, beautiful focus. All your blemishes and wrinkles, though few, are safely tucked away in the invisible folds between scan lines.

How dare Dan Rather accuse you of "tarting up" the news! Have you seen his gelled-up new hair style? It's pathetic. In trying to appear young, he's just betraying his slow decay into a gerontological puddle. He might as well smear his mouth with lipstick and offer to orally pleasure his tiny, dying audience.

Do you know why the Evening News' ratings are now the lowest they've been in twenty years, Katie? It's because of those toothless baby boomers who've jumped ship. Don't worry about them. Their social security will dry up soon, and when they can't afford to pay their heating bills, they'll all die of exposure. Let them flip the dial to ABC or NBC or Fox News. Let those networks court the advertising dollars of blood sugar detectors, arthritis medicines, and Matlock DVDs. Right now, you and your network should be focused on cultivating sponsorships with compact cars, student loan providers, and Taco Bell. When the old and enfeebled finally whither away, guess who's going to be on top?

I do have one suggestion, though. Remember when you guest hosted The Tonight Show and they cut away Leno's desk so we could see your silky, electric legs? You've successfully toned down your Good Humor Man-esque wardrobe from Today, but I miss catching a peek of those getaway sticks.

Think about it.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman