On the benefit of doubt

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sen. Larry Craig, (R) Idaho
Re: Public restrooms

Dear Sen. Craig,

Internationally beloved figure of American letters Laurence Shandy here. Oh, how quickly the times can change. Just yesterday you were an anonymous legislator from the nation's third most boring state, and now you're just another wrinkled carcass on the man-pile of sexually scandalous Senators from the Grand Old Party. You'll be pleased to hear, however, that I have not passed judgment against you. Frankly, this story smells fishy to me. Sure, I can believe that a few of the Republican party's most loyal Bible-thumping homo haters might be dipping their toes in the enemy's juices. A few red-tied overachievers in the congressional page program are going to have their tallywackers tickled by the old guard. That's just the law of averages at work. But if the charges against you are true, I'm afraid the statistics would be tipped to the edge of the unlikely. Could it be that every opponent of civil rights for homosexuals is, in fact, a secret virtuoso of the rusty trombone? I think not.

I believe you when you say your initial guilty plea was just a matter of discretion. Who needs a lengthy court proceeding? Better to just pay your fine and be on your way--confident in the knowledge that the media would never sink their stinky talons into such a non-story. "Conservative Republican Senator Pleads Guilty to Lewd Conduct in a Public Restroom". Who would have thought such an innocuous headline would be worth anyone's time?

Still, the media have unearthed your misfortune, and they intend to drag your name down the Hershey highway just like all the others. But if they would simply close their salivating jaws long enough to ask your side of the story, you'd disappear from the public consciousness in half a news cycle. So what if you peeked in at the undercover officer through the crack in the door of his bathroom stall? I find myself peeking in such a way almost every time I use a public lavatory. It's simple human curiosity to want to put a face to a stench, and is anyone bold enough to suggest you're anything less than human? We all live in glass houses on that one.

And what of the fact that you took a stall next to the cop and barricaded it with your carry-on luggage? The police suggest this was meant to block the view from outside of your lewd and lascivious roaming hands. I say this is simply evidence in your favor. Not only do you keep your silky fingers off of any stranger's genitals, but you risk the safety of your own personal belongings to create a barrier between you and any randy door-kicker who might want to take your mouth virginity by force. Kudos to you, sir, for keeping safety at the top of your mind during these times of uncertainty.

So you moved your foot under the stall's partition and gently touched the officer with it. As you said, you need "a wide stance" when going to the bathroom. You're an old man, for Christ's sake. What's left of your colon has been subjected to years upon years of fecal stretching. Your bowel movements are like squeezing a kielbasa through a soda straw, and you need the widest berth possible. I understand that.

So we're left with the provocative hand gestures you allegedly made to the officer. Why won't anyone believe you when you say you were simply retrieving a dropped piece of paper? A senator's work is never finished, and I'm actually reassured that you would take every opportunity to finish the complicated paperwork which is the lubrication of our legislative system. And if the officer says he saw no piece of paper when he escorted you out of the restroom, doesn't that mean you succeeded in your endeavor to pick it up? Would he rather the alternative--that you left the document on the bathroom floor like so much spent semen?

Keep a chin up, senator. I'm sure in a few days someone else from the Bush administration will resign or Britney Spears will kill her children or Pakistan will launch a nuclear war against whomever. This will all blow over, and you can get back to your important patriotic duty--helping elect Mitt Romney as the next president.

Oh, he fired you? Don't worry about it. The Mormons hate everybody.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE #1
To: Laurence Shandy
From: Sen. Larry Craig, (R) Idaho
Re: Resignation

Dear Laurence:

You were frank in expressing your views, and I appreciated it. In fact, I reviewed every letter and contact from Idahoans -- both letters like yours urging me to resign and letters of support from throughout the State.

As you know, I have decided to serve out my term and complete the initiatives for Idaho that are currently underway in the U.S. Senate. When I returned to Washington, D.C. in September, it became clear that I could still work effectively for the State; many of my Senate colleagues have even urged me to remain in office. Resigning would have cost Idaho the seniority and committee assignments that serve key State priorities.

Let me again apologize to you for the mistake I made in pleading guilty to a crime I did not commit. I deeply regret the cloud that has been cast over Idaho because of my actions. I will do all I can to lift that cloud through continued service to our great State.

In the months ahead, I will be voting and working on your behalf in the U.S. Senate. It may not be possible to regain your trust, but I hope you will still continue to give me your input, so that I can do my best to represent you on the issues facing our State and Nation.

Sincerely,
LARRY E. CRAIG
United States Senator