On star breaking

From: Laurence Shandy
To: A.J. Hammer, CNN's Showbiz Tonight
Re: Owen Wilson's meltdown

Dear A.J.,

First of all, kudos on the stage name. It's not often that two initials and a piece of hardware could so expertly label either a porn star or a hard-boiled private dick.

And double kudos on your expert Showbiz Tonight panel discussion on screen star Owen Wilson's personal troubles. All week, I've been waiting for someone to put Mr. Wilson's wrist slashing in the context of greater Hollywood. When I saw the tease for your piece before the commercial break, I found myself speaking aloud, "Good question, sir. Why do such shining stars fall apart." Unfortunately, one of my semi-legitimate daughters was playing with the curling iron in the bathtub, and my power cut out before I could actually watch your expert discussion.

But my curiosity was still piqued, so I phoned my friend Chandra who does my eyes when I'm on book tour. "Chandra," I said, "why do you think celebrities have such a tough time of their lives?" Maybe she tried to answer. I couldn't hear her clearly for all her crying. Something about her husband dying of cancer. "Pull yourself together, Chandra," I yelled. "I'm asking you a question." She must have run out of antidepressants, because I could hear her tongue licking the inside of an empty prescription bottle. I didn't have time for this. I needed to know what causes such emotional fragility in my favorite film stars, and all Chandra cared about was her baking. I could barely get a word in over the squeaking of her oven door.

I guess what I'm asking is, can you send me a transcript of the show? And could you sign it "to Laurence Shandy from his dear friend A.J."?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman