On keeping a leg up

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Katie Couric, CBS Evening News
Re: Hatchet job

Dear Katie,

Laurence Shandy here. I want to begin by apologizing for my inappropriate comments at last year's CBS Christmas party. I'd had a little too much eggnog, a few too many pills, and at least twice my normal dose of PCP (which might as well stand for "Party! Come on, party!"). You and I were having a nice conversation about skiing, and if I'd stayed on track with you, I'm sure I would have had a shot that night. Instead, I told you I'd always wanted to slalom down your thighs on a stick of butter. I obviously made you uncomfortable, and for that I'm sorry.

Truthfully, I'm a big admirer of yours. On the Today show, you always provided a silky-legged counterpoint to the brusk, hunky manliness of Matt Lauer. Plus, you read the news pretty well. Which is why it came as no surprise to me that CBS courted you and your gams for Dan Rather's venerable chair. Rather never struck me as a particularly good newsman. He seemed to be of the establishment -- the old guard. His legs were just like Cronkite's and Murrow's before him -- pasty, wrinkled, and riddled with pustules from all that sitting. You, on the other hand, brought something new to the table. Two things, actually. And they glowed with a kind of feminine power the Evening News had never seen before.

So, there's a new book coming out about your "dark side" and your "erratic and unprofessional behavior". Please. I usually watch you frame-by-frame on my TiVo at night, so I'm confident I've seen you from pretty much every side, and they're all the same beautiful golden honey color. Not a dark side to be found. And this claim about your erratic behavior is simply a joke. Back in 1992, I personally saw Tom Brokaw shoot a producer in the face over a botched profile on M.C. Hammer, and that wasn't even the lead story. So what if you've slapped a couple of people around?

Here's the thing: don't let this upset you. I need you to be cool and collected. It doesn't matter what people think or how many people are watching your newscast. Brian Williams has been working overtime on his legs. You've got to give it to him -- those things are damn impressive. But America will tire of him. They're just used to seeing your getaway sticks in the morning. Slowly tanning under the sun of Rockefeller Center, those things were like a shot of espresso before work. It's just a matter of time before America discovers them again, and treats them like a nice, warming afternoon swig of scotch. And if you're ever feeling down, you can call on me. I've got a stick of butter with your name on it.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman