On stretches

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sen. Barack Obama, presidential candidate
Re: Electability

Dear Barack,

Laurence Shandy here. I must say you've impressed me in these early days of the presidential campaign. Your endorsement from Oprah gave me pause, as she has also endorsed neo-spirituality, half-assed lasagnas, and John Travolta. But she has also lent her stamp of approval to Gabriel Garcia Marquez, an old friend of mine and the best partner one could hope to have if one were to engage in a tag-team with the young Fidel Castro. (By the way, one shouldn't.)

You say envisioning yourself as president is a "stretch", but I beg to differ. Indeed, I would much prefer you to the other crop of Democratic candidates. Hillary Clinton is of a piece with her husband--a disingenuous capitulator, a lousy leader, and owning a wide, pasty ass with a permanent 'for sale' sign. On a lark, I took the entire three weeks worth of funds from my Vanity Fair expense account and offered Sen. Clinton a lump sum to go on the record stating that I was her personal lord and savior. My editor disapproved at first, but who needs a substantive article when you've got a headline like that? Besides, they could always just fill the space with more photos of Leonardo DiCaprio posing on an ice flow. And they did.

I do, however, understand your point. You are a new commodity in the political sphere. You speak candidly. You look like you could have descended from slaves instead of slave-owners. You have big ears and a bigger smile. You're like a modern Jack Kennedy without all the crippling STDs. I'd like to make love to you, and I think you could take it. Sure, if we're going on looks alone, I wouldn't kick John Edwards out of the shower either, but I have a feeling a conjugal visit with him would quickly devolve into tears and shameful wailing. You, on the other hand, evoke a cosmopolitan can-do America needs in its highest office.

That said, I feel comfortable throwing my endorsement behind you. Previously, I have been an Al Goldstein man, but I'm beginning to think America may not be ready to embrace a Jewish libertarian pornographer as its president. You, on the other hand, are just what the doctor ordered--a half-black liberal with no executive experience. In other words, you're the reform candidate.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, supporter