On laying low

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sen. Ted Stevens, (R) Alaska
Re: Anchorage Daily News

Dear Sen. Stevens,

Laurence Shandy here. I understand you're under federal investigation for something or other, so I'll keep this brief. In times like these, it's easy to lose any sense of home -- to feel exposed and left out in the cold. You'd expect your local newspaper, the Anchorage Daily News to be on your side. After all, in your home state, civilized people must learn to band together against the cannibalistic Eskimo hordes. But instead of coddling or comforting you, those dastardly newsmen have been hellbent on your "assassination".

You're no spring chicken, Ted. In fact, your kind of a late-autumnal grouse. So, you're no match for the tycoons and robber barons behind our nation's press. They can pool their subscription money -- dolling it out willy-nilly on technologically advanced resources like horseless carriages and portable talky wands. They can afford to hire scores of typesetters who will pump out up-to-the-minute editions detailing your every move. They have taken sand from the Earth and fashioned it into hard, clear lenses through which they might see farther and cannier than any eagle.

Which is why you should maybe stop granting their interview requests. I spend most of my day spelunking the pipes and tubes of the Intra-Nets, and I keep coming across quotes given by you to the Anchorage Daily News. Instead of answering their questions by saying you aren't going to answer their questions, why not refuse to take their questions in the first place?

For example, here's a quote from the most recent interview you chose not to dodge: "[The Daily News] has caused me more difficulty...than anything else. You've created me as the senator-for-life. You've been hanging me weekly." You only serve to weaken your position by making such preposterous statements. While the paper's fleet of winged chariots and whirligigs may seem indistinguishable from magic to you, it doesn't mean the Daily News is all-powerful. They did not create you. They are but men. And check under the decaying flesh hanging from your chin. Neck still there? They haven't even hanged you once, Ted. You're slipping in and out of consciousness.

Why not take a nice, long vacation in the Bahamas? Remember, it's where Nelly went to treat her consumption. Remember Nelly, Ted? That looks like her on the horizon. Her dress is opening for you, Ted. That's the light of paradise inside. Go ahead. Follow the light. The Anchorage Daily News will never find you there.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman