On recognizing a threat

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Principal Craig Gilbert, Payne Junior High
Re: Gun drawing

Dear Principal Gilbert,

Widely published intellectual Laurence Shandy here. Recently, the administration of Payne Junior High has been criticized for suspending a 13-year-old boy over his crude drawing of a giant, anime-style gun. It's the kind of gun that in no way exists in reality, but may instead be conceivably wielded by a trench coat-wearing, androgynous cartoon character with spiky hair. Consequently, your school district's spokesperson's referring to the drawing as "a threat" seems, at first, a bit hyperbolic.

However, I must applaud you and your staff for cracking down on teenage fans of Japanese animation. I am sick to death of their tight pants and shiny bangs. I can barely make it through the door of my local public library without tripping over their Yu-Gi-Oh cards or their Pokemon balls. Do you know what's in those balls, sir? Monsters. And these kids have got to catch them all. If that's not a threat, I don't know what is.

Christ, man, what happened to Hanna-Barbera and Filmation? Why can't kids these days be contented with barely-mobile cutouts of their favorite superheros and racial stereotypes fighting it out with evil on Saturday mornings? I've seen Dragonball Z. I've seen Sailor Moon and Cowboy Bebop and Bleach. This isn't the kind of wholesome entertainment I'm used to. Gone are the laser battles between the jingoistic G.I. Joes and the serpentine Cobra terrorists. Instead, these new imports are full of watery-eyed angst and seizure-inducing power-up sequences. Did you know there are entire episodes of Dragonball Z devoted to characters absorbing Chi energy into their solar plexi?

Kids like the 13-year-old punk you so rightly suspended should be ashamed of themselves. Animated heroes should be traveling through time with their hyper-intelligent canine companions, not floating around with their gravity-defying guns and effete ribbon accessories. Look at that thing hanging from the trigger guard in this kid's doodle. What the hell is that? Oh, I know. It's a threat.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shany, gentleman