On feeling sexy

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State
Re: Loosening up

Dear Condi,

According to Glenn Kessler's upcoming biography The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy, you're quite the firecracker. Case in point: your snarky comment to a jewelry store clerk who stupidly wanted to sell you cheap costume jewelry. "Let's get one thing straight," you snapped. "You are behind the counter because you have to work for minimum wage. I'm on this side asking to see the good jewelry because I make considerably more."

This quote will do nothing to thaw the perception that you're a frigid, icy taskmaster--a humorless overachiever with a vulture's stare and an android's mind. But look on the bright side. At least your biographer takes the time to note the firmness of your superhumanly toned ass.

Look, it's no wonder you'd be so tightly wound. You're feeling left out. You're the man behind the curtain of a crumbling empire. Disgraceful resignations, sex scandals, failing foreign policies--these things may steal the headlines, but who's watching as you're bent over, picking up the pieces of a crumbling administration.

Well, I just thought you'd like to know that I'm still paying attention. Lately, I can't seem to get you out of my mind. If only you could handle me like you handle Middle East peace negotiations--teasing me with your firm, deadly touch. Some may call you a snow queen, but isn't that why KY made warming lube?

All I'm saying is that I'd like to be on you like white on Rice. Is that too much to ask?

Think about it, Condi. That is, if you get a minute.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman