On laying blame

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Waymon Hudson, UNITE Ft. Lauderdale
Re: Homophobia

Dear Mr. Hudson,

Cultural icon Laurence Shandy here. I must admit my surprise upon reading that the mayor of your fair city, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, is a gay-hating, gun-toting redneck. I always assumed the mayor of Ft. Lauderdale was Mickey Mouse. But I suppose Floridians aren't quite ready to elect an openly gay rodent to their highest municipal office. Maybe one day.

Regardless, I'm behind you on your quest to muzzle Mayor Jim Naugle and his hate speak. It was bad enough when he suggested lynching as an environmentally friendly alternative to the electric chair. Doesn't he realize that trees can get rope burn, too? And does he really expect us to believe that homosexuals meet in public restrooms for late-night trysts?

Okay, he may have a point about that. Cruise through the city park near my opulent penthouse after one or two in the morning, and it's like Studio 54. Except most of the people there are undercover cops. Still, not every homosexual has gotten a hummer in a toilet stall. The very suggestion is obscene.

But I must pause to question a comment you made to CNN. In regards to Mayor Naugle, you are quoted as stating: "He has demonized a group of people. He should be held accountable for any hate crimes committed against gays." Since I have class and money, I've never lived in Florida, so I'm not incredibly familiar with the average intelligence of its people. If the general public is so easily incited to mass gay-killing sprees after hearing their mayor suggest homosexuals like to dally in the dark, then I concede your point. But if you do, in fact, live in a community of gay-killing zombies, may I ask why you don't simply up and move? I'm all for fighting the good fight, but I've seen Dawn of the Dead. This is a battle you can't win.

Unless, of course, the general public of Ft. Lauderdale is normally capable of making considered decisions and are only being controlled by some black magic device beaming hypno-rays from atop City Hall. In which case, perhaps a referendum is in order?

Whatever the case, let me offer any service to you and your organization that I can. Short, that is, of actually flying down to Ft. Lauderdale. My body has been covered in a permanent sub-dermal layer of dried semen since the late '70s, and I'd hate to become another homophobic zombie statistic.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE
From: Waymon Hudson
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: Mayor Jim Naugle

Dear Mr Shandy,

When a public official such as Naugle uses stereotypes and hate speech to demonize and dehumanize a group it makes it easier for hate-filled people to use violence against them. The mayor's comments (which include "gays are unhappy so I call them homosexuals", "homosexuality should be a criminal act", and "we should not invite gay tourists because of the HIV/AIDS issues") are instigating violence and hatred towards the gay community. If you look at the comments left on some of the news stories, they are very violent and go as far as to say that "we should line up the gays in the streets and blow them all away."

This is not, nor has it ever been, about a few isolated cases of illegal activity in restrooms, which everyone opposes and is rightfully handled by the police. This is about using stereotypes and demonizing a group of citizens in a personal crusade for publicity, which seems to be the mayor’s way of doing business. By dehumanizing and attacking an entire community, Naugle only inflames and encourages hate crimes and violence. It is a public safety issue, pure and simple. Violent words too often lead to violent actions.

Thank you for your clever and amusing letter.

Best Wishes,
Waymon Hudson, gentleman


REBUTTAL
From: Laurence Shandy
To: Waymon Hudson
Re: Mayor Jim Naugle

Dear Mr. Hudson,

Congratulations on your insightful and accurate comments regarding the cleverness of my letter, but I must take issue with your characterizing it as "amusing". There's nothing amusing about an entire city full of mindless automatons -- especially if they can be so easily coaxed into following the murderous whims of your mayor, Jim Naugle. Clearly Mayor Naugle is a douche. We can tell that just by looking at him. He looks like the football player who used to call me a faggot while anally raping me in the locker room shower. Actually, "rape" really isn't the right word, since we were 69ing. Also, we lived together for several years after graduation. It was an open relationship that ended amicably. He left with the toaster oven, and I left with his sister's virginity. Now that I think of it, Mayor Naugle is nothing like Bryce.

Anyway, that's beside the point. There's no excuse for the hateful comments left by anonymous bigots writing from their bedrooms before their moms make them turn out the lights. Thankfully, we live in a nation where gay people will never be lined up in the streets and blown away, nor will they be lined up in the streets and p0wned away. These are the pipe dreams of the sexually confused Halo players of the world and not the wishes of mainstream America.

Mayor Naugle's comments, while emotionally retarded and ironically telling of his own sexual proclivities (in a few years, don't be surprised when we see security camera pictures of Naugle with his lips around Jeb Bush's penis while they both wear the skins of disenfranchised black voters), are, in fact, protected speech. He can say he hates the homosexuals all he wants. He can dredge up images from Reconstruction-era lynch mobs. He can say the name Jim J. Bullock and make a cutting motion across his neck with an index finger. That's as American as two rednecks jacking each other off in the back of a pickup truck after a Tampa Bay game. You and I may not like it, and it may be the straw that broke the homicidal, homophobic camel's back, but it doesn't make him a murderer. It just makes him an asshole, which should provide some comfort seeing as how assholes are the things he hates/desires most in the world.

As a form of protest, why don't you and I engage in a little constitutionally-protected man-on-international literary celebrity in the restroom of the Ft. Lauderdale Chuck E. Cheese's? That is, of course, unless you're afraid of a few Internet commentators.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, sodomite