On medical privacy

From: Laurence Shandy
To: John Edwards, Democratic presidential candidate
Re: Mandatory doctor's visits

Dear John,

It's Labor Day, so I'll make this quick. I have to make it to Hobby Lobby's scrapbooking supplies sale before all those horny divorcees. But I wanted to write and express my deep concern over one aspect of your universal health care plan. Kudos on keeping America's health at the forefront of your campaign. I'm tired of having to wear a breathing mask and a latex body suit whenever I take a cab uptown. But your idea that people who buy into your plan would be required to visit the doctor regularly? I have to say, this doesn't sound very appealing. After all, as an international literary celebrity, I come into contact with a variety of biological nuisances. In the past, I would schedule an appointed with my G.P. after every one of Norman Mailer's Tony Awards parties, but I eventually tired of hearing my doctor moan into his microscope about "further testing" and "keeping my genitals away from poison dart frogs". Trips to the doctor are a bummer, and, in a lifestyle such as mine, relatively useless. Sure, if I break a wrist or need a little pick-me-up, I'll call in for a prescription of pain meds, but do I really need my mouth swabbed on a weekly basis? I've found there's very little a glass of scotch and a four-week enema routine can't cure. There's no reason for me to tax the system, especially if the American taxpayers are footing the bill. Now, I'm off to scrapbook this thing that fell out of my urethra.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, medical miracle