On snubbing Rice

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Joseph Ratzinger (a.k.a. Pope Benedict XVI)
Re: Condoleezza Rice

Dear Ratzo,

How dare you? The United States Secretary of State lowers herself to actually want to meet you face-to-what's left of a face, and you have the nerve to snub her? Infallible, schminfallible--that's just rude.

Look, I understand your church thinks the war in Iraq is immoral, but can't you overlook such a petty disagreement to roll out the red carpet for a foreign dignitary? After all, you were able to sweep aside any moral problems you might have had with that ragged old atheist Mother Teresa begging for dirty money and locking up the dying. You're the pope, for Christ's sake. Rise above.

Let's cut to the chase, Ratzo. Take off the silly hat, box up your Prada loafers, and remember what it was like before you were His Holiness. Remember when you were just Joey Ratz, confused Bavarian teenager. Before you wore a solid gold papal anti-erection thong, I'll bet a one-on-one meeting with a looker like Condoleezza Rice would have almost burst the veins in your loins. In fact, I think maybe you think Condi's rock-hard trunk junk might just overpower your steady stream of libido-suppressing drugs. You think if you don't keep your eyes off, you won't keep your hands off.

Fair enough. We both know you could bounce a Patriot missile off those humps. I'm getting a little hard just thinking about them. All I'm asking is for some honesty here. Don't hide behind conviction when you'd just as soon lay Condoleezza down on the grassy tufts of the moral high ground and spend an afternoon practicing your ATM.

And I'm not talking about a money machine.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman