On teamwork

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Gen. Peter Pace, chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff
Re: Homosexuality

Dear Peter,

I apologize for the informality of my greeting, but I don't know whether to call you General or Mr. Chairman. I guess it doesn't really matter, though, since you're retiring next week, and will soon be known by the neighborhood children only as mean old Mr. Pace, the fag-hating whittler. I'm assuming you'll take up whittling.

Seriously, Pete, why go and tell the world you don't think gays should be allowed to bugger in the military because it's against "God's law"--especially since you'll be cleaning out your desk in less than a week? I know you said you thought your statement from earlier this year needed to be "clarified", but I'm sure when you said you thought gay sex was immoral, we all got the point.

Look, you can believe whatever you want. It's your own life and your own depressingly unstimulated prostate. But what I'm really concerned about is the example you're setting for your successor. Not only is your stance--and the military's stance--on butt sex asinine and backward, it's also just plain bad for business. The business of war, that is. I'm no historian, and I can't be bothered to look this up, but I'm almost certain that the famed armies of Rome not only allowed a little man-on-man action, but they encouraged it. It's about teamwork out there, Pete. Sure, I may have shared a few beers with some buddies in my platoon. Swapped stories, played a few hands of poker, raided a few Iraqis' pantie drawers. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to take a bullet for them.

The Romans knew that the only way to get soldiers to protect each other's asses on the fields of battle was to allow them to covet those very same asses. Why would I allow some insurgent to blow off my teammate's penis with an RPG if I wanted that same penis floating up my Hershey highway that evening? It's strategy we're talking about here. All due respect to your stupid religion, but if you're going to follow an imaginary god's laws, why don't you also have our country's finest make sure they keep kosher? Or give our female soldiers the week off when they're on the rag?

In a time of war, concessions have to be made. Before you retire, why not get down on your knees and stare into a fellow warrior's brown-eye? You smell that? That's the smell of victory.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, patriot