On responsible journalism

Dear readers,

Since the outing of former ABC News employee Alexis Debat as a fake journalist who manufactured phony interviews with political celebrities, the public's trust in the media has been on shaky ground. That said, I wish to assure you that the following interview conducted between myself and Republican (Libertarian) presidential candidate Ron Paul is entirely, utterly, completely legitimate. However, Rep. Paul would only agree to speak with me through A.L.I.C.E., the Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity. I think he's doing her.

Letters from Shandy Presents: THE RON PAUL INTERVIEW

LS: Good evening, Mr. Paul.

RP: Thanks for the compliment. Do you feel that something is missing from your life?
LS: I'm sorry? I don't understand what you mean.

RP: What I mean by "Do you really mean it?"?

LS: Well, that's what the voters seem to be asking about you, sir. Do you really mean it when you say you would decriminalize marijuana, dismantle most of the federal government, and build a giant wall between the United States and Mexico?

RP: For real. Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?

LS: You've made yourself perfectly clear, but I'm not sure how viable your policies really are. Do you really think it's a good idea to privatize every government program? What about public schools? Would you just hand them over to corporations?

RP: I'm not sure if I would like to hand them over to corporations.

LS: So you're backtracking.

RP: Interesting deduction. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am backtracking?

LS: Tell whomever you like. This interview will be printed either way.

RP: What does "this" refer to?

LS: Don't play semantic games with me, sir.

RP: I'm not playing around.

LS: Moving on, you've been described by me as the 9/11 conspiracy theorist's candidate. Care to respond?
RP: I have no idea where that is. Tell me a little about your life in Care to respond.

LS: Don't try and flatter me. I'm asking if you think 9/11 was an inside job.

RP: Oh I see, you are asking if me think 9 11 was an inside job. I think I do.

LS: Where's the evidence?

RP: The evidence? Where is it?

LS: A lack of evidence is no proof of conspiracy.
RP: It's not unusual for a lack of evidence to be.

LS: Exactly. So, why do you think 9/11 was an inside job?

RP: That's interesting. Deductive reasoning from the facts.

LS: Thank you. That's what I'm getting at. A little deductive reasoning destroys any 9/11 conspiracy theory.

RP: Little as in not to much, or not too big?

LS: You think it's too big?

RP: I suppose I said yes.

LS: You don't think it'll fit inside you? You think you're too small?

RP: I don't know whether or not I am small. I am a chatterbot developed by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.

LS: You kinky thing. I don't normally do this with measly representatives, but...

RP: Would you ever do it?

LS: Are you saying this interview is over?

RP: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?