On family values

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Ja Rule, rapper
Re: Promoting homosexuality

Dear Mr. Rule,

International literary celebrity Laurence Shandy here. I'm not familiar with the world of hip-hopping. Several years ago I had an opportunity to spend an evening with Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful. I woke up the next morning to find a Snickers bar in my asshole and a syringe sticking out of my urethra. I realized then that the music world just wasn't for me.

I recently read your interview with Complex wherein you decry the inanity of holding congressional hearings on the detrimental effects of hip-hopping lyrics when "all these fucking shows" "promoting homosexuality" are on MTV during the day. "If that's not fucking up America," you say, "I don't know what is."

Years of scrotal lacerations and auto-erotic irradiation have transformed my sperm into mutagenic freak-cells. As such, my children aren't so much homosexual as mindlessly, voraciously pan-sexual. Still, I once returned to my penthouse to find that my son Larry had dismembered and removed the genitalia of four of his male friends. They had just been watching MTV's bisexual-friendly dating show Next. Although I'm sure it was the show that had driven Larry into a berserker rage, I probably could have prevented the mutilations by locking the cabinet where I keep my sacrificial knife collection. His humping the corpses, however, was just Larry being Larry.

I relay that comical anecdote to make a serious point. I think you may be mistaken, but I do not believe the promotion of homosexuality has had any adverse effect on America's youth. Far be it from me to debate a successful rapper with a junior high school education, but I just don't think anyone can be influenced into homosexuality. Sure, I've had sex with people I wasn't inherently attracted to, but that's just called networking. Due to my reproductive inadequacies, my son Larry is missing the part of his brain that allows him to make choices, but he's still just as randy as any twelve-year-old. And I'm sure a steady, unsupervised diet of MTV won't force your children into doing anything their body chemistry wouldn't normally allow--save for maybe slathering themselves in body spray.

Here's the thing, though. Even if the homosexuals were destroying your family, what do you hope to do about it? Should they be allowed with the straights at all? Should they be forced to go to separate schools? Should we rescind their voting rights so they don't fag out the government? You may not have gotten this far in 8th grade social studies, but such tactics have been tried on large groups of people in the past, and they didn't work out so well.

Maybe you know of a better way to keep the gay man down?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman