On pride

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mitt Romney, presidential candidate
Re: Pride flier

Dear Mitt,

Well, here we are again. You know, you should really think about tendering your resignation to the Mormon church. I hear John McCain turned his back on the Episcopalians and became a Baptist. He went from a watered down Catholic to a watered down racist with just a simple wag of the tongue, and I'm sure you could do the same thing. This whole Mormon thing is just dragging you down. Not only have you had to turn your back on supporting abortion, but now you have to pretend you never slapped your name on a pink gay pride flier back in 2002. And all because of some con man and his golden tablets.

Of course, I know you're never gong to completely abandon the LDS. That posthumous polygamy is just too sweet a deal to pass up. And is it true that you all get your own planets after you die? Man, that would be great. I'd make all my slaves feed me grapes, and I'd wear a costume just like Sean Connery's in Zardoz. Anyway, I suppose my job as your campaign's unofficial fixer is to figure out how we can put a good, healthy, Mormon spin on your tolerance of and pandering to the homosexual Massachusetts voting base.

Okay, so some former Mormon leaders have said some crazy things about man-on-man action. Like that it's a sin second only to murder. But the current church policy has nothing against being gay; they just don't want anyone engaging in homosexual acts. How this jives with the church's anti-caffeine policy is beyond me, since caffeine-free Diet Coke is the gayest drink there is. Still, here's what Daniel Peterson, a Mormon doctrinal scholar, has to say: "To be a practicing homosexual is something that will bring you into contact with the church court. To be a homosexual as such, to be of that inclination, there's nothing excommunicable about that and there are lots of them in the church." Sure. Look at Donny Osmond.

So, here's the key, Mitt. Say you have nothing against gay pride parades as long as no one engages in any buggery during them. A slap on a pasty cheek framed by ass-less leather chaps? Sure. A nice high five? More power to you. Maybe you could launch an ad campaign. I'm thinking a montage of dancing homosexuals atop gay pride floats. Gloria Estefan on the soundtrack. A bunch of gay guys hugging and laughing and dancing, then one of them pulls his cock out and grabs another guy's hips. Then that guy turns around and shakes a finger like, "Nuh uh!" Maybe we could make a jingle out of some catchy slogan like, "It's okay to be queer, but don't come in that rear!"

I'll make some calls. You better save a seat for me in your cabinet come November, Mitt.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman