On TCB

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran
Re: Silencing voices

Dear Moody,

Welcome to America! I know you haven't enjoyed the most cordial welcome, but I just want you to know you're always welcome at my New York apartment. I hope you still remember the address. It's been hard to find anyone in the states with your special combination of shortness and swarthiness. How I've longed to feel the erotic tickle of beard whiskers on my solar plexus during a 69.

Look, I know some people have quite a problem with you. Just because you constantly call for the destruction of the United States and Israel, you belong to an apocalyptic Islamic sect, and your country secretly runs weapons to Iraqi insurgents, the elite in this country see you as some kind of enemy. You can ask to lay wreaths at Ground Zero all you want, Moody, but there's no changing anyone's attitude about you.

However, I was inspired by the recent revelation that your government has hacked into and shut down journalistic websites critical of you in your own country. Kudos on your staff's technical acumen. And here I thought all they could do was covertly enrich uranium. But since the Internet is a global series of tubes, don't you think your hacking team could black out some of the bad press over here as well? Maybe you won't change anyone's mind--maybe it won't stop a wayward egg from landing on the shoulder of your members only jacket during a speaking engagement--but it would at least cut down on your bad press. I'm sure security can't be that tight at the Drudge Report or Fox News. Hell, I just read all of Shepard Smith's e-mail last night. Did you know that guy's password is "password"? And that he took Rita Cosby's anal virginity?

Speaking of anal virginity, I'll leave the key to my place under the Teddy Roosevelt statue. Maybe tonight we can get down to a little rough riding of our own.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, dutiful host