On the Method

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Fred Thompson, presidential candidate
Re: Cruel and inhumane treatment

Dear Fred,

Look, we both know there's no burying this Daily Mail story about your cheating and womanizing ways. And there's no way the media's just going to gloss over the fact that your first wife accused you of "cruel and inhumane" treatment in her divorce filing. What we need to do is put this kind of thing in context. Make people understand.

You first got divorced in 1985. That's also the year you appeared in Marie with Sissy Spacek. So what if you were acting cruel and inhumane at the time. You're an actor, after all, and you had to prepare for a role. Who knows what kind of dark corners of the mind you had to explore in order to breath life into the character of "Sen. Fred Thompson"? How many episodes of Inside the Actors Studio do people have to watch before they understand the separation between actor and character? You're not the harsh, abusive "Sen. Fred Thompson" from the movies. You're Sen. Fred Thompson, a down-home straight-talker with jowls to spare.

As you're jetting around the country trying to establish yourself as a candidate with a platform beyond "Hey, I'm Fred Thompson", why not put on a few one-act shows as your "Fred Thompson" character? I'm thinking a kind of psychologically intense comedy. Something where you marry a teenager and rub your infidelities in her tear-streaked face for all the years of your vaporous marriage. But, you know, with jokes. Maybe we could call it something like "Hey, I'm Fred Thompson"? I'm thinking we can get Neil LaBute on board.

You'll hear from me soon.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman