On advice

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sen. Hillary Clinton, presidential candidate
Re: Listening to Bush

Dear Sen. Clinton,

International house of mancakes Laurence Shandy here. I just read on CNN's Political Ticker (which, by the way, doesn't tick--or crawl, for that matter) that President Bush has been offering advice on Iraq to your campaign. Unfortunately, it looks like whoever takes over the West Wing is going to have to deal with the region in some form or fashion. No matter what, come November '08, they'll still be shedding blood like Elizabeth Taylor sheds her skin. Would that the war was happening just a bit further south (say, in Africa) where the next president could ignore it, but you can't just go changing geography unless you're imperial Britain.

Now I know your campaign is loathe to compare itself to Bush's. Let's face it, you're really campaigning against the guy--the Republican presidential field is lamer than our sitting president. And you've kind of earned a reputation as the "insider" candidate. You're a politician, Hillary--bought and sold by corporate interests, pretending you still love your spouse. You've purchased yourself a lovely two and a half bath condo on old Washington Way.

But I think you owe it to Bush to at least bend an ear. After all, your careful attention to his sage and sound advice could be seen as a little quid pro quo. The president himself has proven himself a careful observer of your husband's policies. Bush has become the master of "abusing" his power for political gain. Torture in our POW prisons? Raise the terror alert level. Backhanded, no bid government contracts? Raise the terror alert level. Sure, he's kind of a one-trick pony, but could anyone operate as smoothly as your husband? He had the stones to bomb a Sudanese medicine factory, an Afghan bunker, and (hello, happenstance) Iraq just to get his semen out of the headlines.

Respect is respect, and you at least owe it to Bush to consider his opinions, especially since you're running on your record as a White House resident yourself. And if the heat rises underneath you--if the questions get a little too tough--take a cue from both your husband and the Bush family. Smile, nod, and deny everything.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman