On wining and dining

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela
Re: Kevin Spacey

Dear President Chavez,

Pulitzer Prize winner Laurence Shandy here. I'm surprised this is the first time I've written you, considering your prominence in the news these past few years. Who knew a celebrity could be born from such a doughy little man as yourself? And who also knew that simply rolling back your own term limits, seizing control of your country's economy, rigging a few elections, intimidating a few dissidents, dissolving freedom of the press, and using your podium at the United Nations to imply George Bush is a smelly demon would make you such a Hollywood darling?

Here's the thing, Huey. If you're going to become a real mover and shaker in the world of the entertainment elite, can't you get a few visits from stars on the A list? So far, you've met with Danny Glover, Sean Penn, and Kevin Spacey. Maybe there's a huge K-Pax following in Venezuela, but I don't see any of these names lighting up the marquees around here.

Quick, think of the last good movie you remember that starred Danny Glover. No, it's not Saw. It's not Predator 2. Lethal Weapon 4? No, sir. Alright, we'll come back to that one. Hey, remember that movie where Sean Penn looked all puckered and screamed a lot? Yes, that's every Sean Penn movie, and if you need to catch up, I think Blockbuster is running a two-for-one special on their $3.99 used DVDs. The less said about Kevin Spacey the better. If he's not hamming it up as a Gene Hackman wannabe in Superman 5: Box Office Poison, he's hamming it up in some kind of bloated Oscar bait like The Life of David Gale. "But that movie's a few years old now," you say. "Surely he's done something better since then." Really? Has he?

You need to step up your game, Chavez, or you're going to end up looking like a third-rate dictator in training. At this rate, you may as well expand your social circle by standing outside the Inside the Actors Studio set with a cashier's check for twenty dollars. I'm sure you'll at least pick up a Martin Lawrence or two.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman