On getting noticed

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Rudy Giuliani, presidential candidate
Re: 9/11

Dear Rudy,

So, here it is the day after 9/11 Day, and I'm still only halfway done with the cleanup. Well, my immigrant workers are halfway done, but you get the idea. For the past five years, I've celebrated this somber holiday by inviting some friends and their children over for dueling games of Jenga. After the towers fall, we spirit-gum a beard on one lucky child chosen by lottery to be Osama for the day and beat him to tears with a Wiffle ball bat.

But yesterday I had to excuse myself from the festivities and relieve some stress masturbating to Internet pornography. I tried something different--Googling "oily", "slimy", and "hung like a mayor". Needless to say, I meant to type "mare", but that's beside the point. Yours was the first website that came up. When I clicked on it, I expected the same kind of red, white, and blue sloppy facial of patriotism you normally see in a campaign site, but I was surprised to see that yours was different. You'd shut your site down for the day, leaving only a convenient note explaining that this was a temporary shuttering out of respect for keeping the 9/11 anniversary a non-political occasion.

I know you didn't intend this, Rudy, but reading about how you didn't want to exploit 9/11 got me thinking about 9/11. It reminded me of a speech I once heard given by the former mayor of New York City, maybe it was you, about how 9/11 should always have a place in the hearts of Americans. Weren't you the mayor during 9/11? Then this anniversary must be especially hard for you.

I decided to forgo a quicky orgasm and do some more research on you, the 9/11 mayor. I read about how you described yourself as one of the 9/11 cleanup workers--about how you were there helping in the days after 9/11--placing yourself in the line of fire between the television cameras and the other 9/11 heroes. There were so many jobs to be done down there at Ground Zero post-9/11, and you took it upon yourself to keep the media away from the firefighters and police officers helping dig bodies out of the 9/11 rubble--forcing the press to instead focus their attentions on you.

I idly stroked my blue balls with one hand while browsing Google's image search with the other--flipping through photo after photo of your 9/11 heroism. I saw picture after picture of you in an FDNY cap--disguising yourself as a 9/11 firefighter in your continuing effort to make sure the actual firefighters weren't bothered. If their larynxes weren't corroded from 9/11's dust, I'm sure they'd thank you for all your 9/11 support.

God forbid we suffer another 9/11, Rudy, but if we do, I hope it's you in the White House. I can think of no one better suited to deal with 9/11 2. Mostly because every time I try, I see you on TV talking about 9/11--keeping the memory alive.

9/11,
Laurence Shandy, 9/11 survivor