On standing tall

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Vladimir Putin, president of Russia
Re: Missiles

Dear Put-Put,

Laurence Shandy here. First of all, it's obvious you're not taking my advice and assuming the identity of a Russian celebrity in order to serve another term as president. Fine. If you're not going to take my advice, then I suppose I shouldn't give it. But I just don't know how to stop with you. Jesus, man, I'm smitten! Maybe it's that Scythian musk, but I just can't seem to stop offering you my expert council. And do you ever need it, P.P.

So, you say you might point your weapons at Europe if the U.S. goes ahead with its missile defense plan. Frankly, I saw this coming months ago. Whithering relations aside, you and your American counterpart, G.W. Bush, aren't all that dissimilar. Both of you are power hungry. Both of you have stolen civil liberties from your people faster than Custer could steal land from the Indians. Of course, the similarities fall apart where looks are concerned. I've been to my fair share of White House orgies, but there's always been something off-putting about Bush's beady monkey eyes. I just can't bring myself to stuff my penis in his mouth. Anyway, it's been just a matter of time before your paths crossed. Like two high plains drifters in the world saloon, you're at a stand-off -- each of you fingering your holsters.

I get where you're coming from Put-Put. Another arms race would do wonders for your country's social order. Let's face it, democracy hasn't been kind. The power has gone from the secret police and the bureaucratic élite to the gangsters and the bureaucratic élite. Russia just isn't fun anymore. I can't even play a game of Tetris without feeling a pang of nostalgia for arms-folded kick dances and cold, gray, communist office blocks. Russia today is like an S&M club where all the shackles are lined in fur. I want to feel the hard steel of state control against my naked flesh, Put-Put, and I'm sure you do to.

Russia's always been good at totalitarianism, and totalitarians always run a race in style. You took the money that could have been used to feed the hungry and used it to build thousands upon thousands of deadly intercontinental explosives, thereby feeding their natural pride. Whoever invented Jesus put it best: If you feed a man food, you feed him for a day; but if you feed a man irrational patriotism, you feed him for at least a week and a half. Hell, even the deified J.F.K. took a cue from your forefathers when he fed an American public hungry for answers over the Bay of Pigs with the delicious nugget of space domination. And even in the space race you guys outclassed us! We burned a few astronauts up in a capsule, but you sent a dog into orbit. With accomplishments like that under your belt, it's no wonder you brushed off the moon.

But what I'm missing from these latest threats against the U.S. and Europe is that familiar Russian swagger. Don't just say you might point your missiles toward western civilization. Just go ahead and do it. Hell, launch a couple at some bombed-out Eastern European dive. Take out a couple sod farmers and get the world's attention. This is no time to pussy out, P.P.! You've already murdered half your nation's journalists and killed an ex patriot dissident with fucking radiation! Find your balls, sir.

If you need any help, you have my number.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman