On silver linings

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Robert O. Mendelsohn, Yale School of Forestry and Agricultural Studies
Re: Canada's future

Dear Mr. Mendelsohn,

International literary superstar Laurence Shandy here. Much has been made of your recent comments on the benefits of global warming on the Canadian climate. Like Walt Disney taking the world for a ride in his Future-mobile, you've painted quite a rosy picture. Drastically reduced heating costs. Drastically increased agricultural yield. All the milk and honey locked up in Arctic glaciers and frozen tundra will finally melt and flow across the greater provinces. And though you cite it as a downside, the population of deadly polar bears will be all but extinct. Finally, humanity will once again reign atop the Yukon food chain.

However, I've noticed a suspicious chink in your credibility. You may work for Yale, but where is your doctorate, sir? Have the ivy league's standards so lowered that they would hire a faculty member without so much as a string of abbreviations after his name? Or is the truth more in line with my hypothesis? Is Yale's School of Forestry and Agricultural Studies nothing more than a pamphlet filler program? Who in his right mind would pay for a forestry degree from Yale? In a bit of undercover research, I paid $50 for a two-week associate's degree in forestry from the University of Phoenix Online, and the National Park Service says I'm overqualified.

Obviously, your tenure is a case of perfunctory nepotism. I'm sure some wealthy ancestor of yours paid to re-marble the Whiffenpoof house's foyer, so the administration feels they should saddle his semi-retarded grandson with a fake position and a nice monthly stipend.

So, since you don't have any real scientific credentials, then why are you trying to stir up interest in Canada's agricultural futures with all your climatological mumbo-jumbo? Is there, perhaps, an investment opportunity on the horizon?

If so, I want in. Don't try and shut me out, Mendelsohn. I know your secret, and I'm sure there are even more retarded grandchildren of even wealthier patrons who would like a nice corner office and his choice of nubile co-ed overachievers.

In fact, that sounds pretty good. Put me down for a quarter million in soybeans and a Kia Rio full of Freshman design majors.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman