On peace of mind

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Gov. Mike Huckabee, Republican presidential candidate
Re: Faith

Dear Gov. Huckabee,

Last Tuesday's G.O.P. presidential debate on CNN was quite a hoot. I invited my society friends over to the penthouse for a drinking game bonanza. We played the Rudy Giuliani drinking game, wherein a shot is taken every time he mentions 9/11. We played the Mitt Romney drinking game, wherein one looks into a top hat and pretends to translate golden tablets, but is instead taking a shot of Schnapps. And we played the immigration hysteria drinking game, wherein one of my illegal manservants is punched in the solar plexus every time the word "amnesty" is uttered. Ten minutes in, and we were already drunk, sore, and laughing our hors d'oeuvres right onto the rhino skin rug.

And then came the creationism question.



When Wolf Blitzer asked you if the Earth was created in six days, and you said "I don't know; I wasn't there", I almost pissed myself. Okay, full disclosure. I did piss myself. Luckily Enrique was there to sponge it up before I could punch him again in the solar plexus.

"I don't know; I wasn't there."

Such pithy and succinct satire in that phrase. Not only does it deftly lampoon the argument from ignorance that is creationism itself, but it also parodies the dearth of critical thinking skills among creationists.

But in the middle of my laughing fit, Dominick Dunne grabbed my shoulder and shook me violently. "It's not a joke, Laurence," he screamed in his high-pitched squeal. "The madman means what he says!"

Silence. Broken only by the sound of Miguel, the massage therapist, dropping to the floor in pain.

I spent the rest of the evening chalking up Dunne's outburst to his usual sloppy journalism. Of course it couldn't be true. A man who's lost as much weight as you can't be that stupid, can he? What kind of short-circuited logic could make a man hold out the possibility that a supernatural being wished the Earth into existence just because he wasn't there to see it never happened? By that rationale, how could the men who made up the Bible know that the creation story they plagiarized wasn't fictional if they weren't around to see it never occurring?

Do you see where I'm having trouble with this, governor? Look, my vote isn't at stake here. Even if those felonies are stricken from my record, I still wouldn't enter an unsterilized voting booth. But someone of my status needs to be on good terms with any potential president. I have expensive and diplomatically questionable habits, and I need the safety net of a presidential pardon. Frankly, I'd like to know how easily I can manipulate you. If you are the deft satirical genius I think you may be, then I welcome the challenge of dealing with you for four to eight years. Please tell me Dunne's wrong again.

And please make sure my illegal help stays illegal. I hate to miss a bargain.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman