On setting the record straight

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Gov. Mike Huckabee, G.O.P. presidential candidate
Re: Guantanamo

Dear Gov. Huckabee,

Laurence Shandy again. Rarely do I write two letters to the same person within a week, but I can't let slide another gross misunderstanding of your words. Last week, the press jumped on your statement that you don't know whether the Earth was created in six days by a supernatural sociopath named God. I saw your comment for what it was: a parody of the unthinking religious base to which you so refreshingly refuse to pander.

But there must be some kind of media conspiracy against you, Mike, because the rabid bloggers are barking again. This time it's in response to your interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer concerning Colin Powell's statement that our terrorist prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba should be shut down. In reply, you said that inmates in Arkansas' state prisons "would love" to be in Gitmo. This, unfortunately, was again misconstrued as some kind of underinformed, borderline retarded political gaffe.

You can't win with these people, Mike. For once you drop your delicious satirical verbosity and make a sad, straightforward point. You've been to Guantanamo. You know what conditions are like there. You know that those terrorists are kept under the perpetual buzz of fluorescent lights in chicken wire cells. You know that they're blinded when moved from place to place in the camp and forbidden to talk in groups of three or more. You know that they're sleep deprived, beaten, chained in the fetal position on concrete floors, gagged with duct tape, flashed with strobe lights, and held for years without access to lawyers or a fair trial.

Your point wasn't to paint Guantanamo in some falsely rosy hue. Indeed, your point was to highlight the utter horrors of the Arkansas state prison system. As bad as the Guantanamo detainees have it, the prisoners in your home state have it much, much worse. At least the terrorists are waterboarded with actual water. Arkansas' prisoners are strapped down and showered in cow piss and horse semen. Guantanamo's most wanted may have had their faces smeared with hookers' menstrual blood, but isn't that preferable to having your face smeared by a guy named T-Bone's "menstrual" blood? T-Bone doesn't even have a vigina! So, where did the blood come from?

Of course Wolf Blitzer would never ask such a question. He's too busy grooming his beard and counting his paychecks to do any real journalism.

We're a dying breed. If you're elected president, remember who understood you in your time of need. And for God's sake, try and do something about Arkansas' state prisons.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman