On lightening up

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Margaret Mikkelsen, executive director, Students Active for Ending Rape (S.A.F.E.R.)
Re: Jerry Seinfeld

Dear Ms. Mikkelsen,

I want to begin by thanking you and your organization, Students Active for Ending Rape (or S.A.F.E.R.) for all you've done to help abolish rape from college campuses across the country. I'm not familiar with your specific accomplishments along these lines, as I can't be bothered to read your website, but I'm sure that with a little more time, S.A.F.E.R. will be able to turn potential rapists' thoughts away from forcible sex and toward a healthier and victimless past-time.

One thing, though. Have you ever noticed that your organization's name is a bit awkward sounding? How often are people described as being "active for" accomplishing something. There is no Committee Active for New Cancer Research (C.A.N.C.R.) or Nebraskans Active for Making Barley a Legitimate Asset (N.A.M.B.L.A.). Frankly, your group's moniker sounds like a poor Japanese to English translation. I hate to think this, but it makes me wonder whether you came up with the name to fit the acronym.

Anyway, I read your statement about Jerry Seinfeld's rape humor. While promoting his family-friendly computer animated film Bee Movie, he made a joke along the lines that bees have the perfect society: no crime, no drugs, no rape. In a comedic aside, Seinfeld then stated that there may be a little rape, but it's not that bad.

While not as universal a humorous observation as his insight into the size of airline peanut bags (they are, evidently, very small), I don't believe Seinfeld's bee rape joke deserves the outrage you've forcibly thrust upon it. I disagree with you that rape jokes are never funny. I'll admit that rape is a terrible practice when committed upon a human being, but Seinfeld wasn't even discussing human-on-human rape. His humor involved rape between bees, which, as you know, are insects. Thus, a joke about bee rape is not only funny but entirely appropriate for children. If a parent can feel comfortable about his or her child enslaving insects in an ant farm, the same level of comfort should be afforded the idea of violent sexual crimes toward bees.

Here are some bee facts of which you should be aware:

1. In May of this year, a swarm of 3,000 bees attacked an American Cancer Society walk in Indiana.

2. In April, the emergency wing of the University of Arkansas Medical center had to be shut down to to an incoming horde of 7,000 bees.

3. Just weeks ago, a phalanx of some 30,000 bees terrorized the British coastal town of Bournemouth, downing a passenger jet headed for Portugal.

4. The monster that took my love, Meredith, away from me was a creature of tentacles and bees.

5. An insect with as large a body as a bee's should not be able to lift itself with such tiny wings. What dark magic is this?

As you can see, I bear no sympathy toward the bee, nor should you. They are a soulless breed of vengeful beasts. There is much humor to be found in their suffering, and I applaud Jerry Seinfeld's courage in taking a stand against them. You might even say that I am active for the ending of bees.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman