On tempting fate

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Delaney Kinchen, emergency room doctor, University of Arkansas medical center
Re: Bees

Dear Dr. Kinchen,

Celebrity wordsmith Laurence Shandy here. I read about the recent bee attack on your hospital, and I'd like express my deep relief that no one was harmed during the siege. Bees are nature's Al-Qaeda. They're burrowers. Secretive. They conspire in swarms. Strike with deadly precision. They make delicious honey. They are bearded.

I can't imagine facing down an oncoming horde of 7,000 bees. It's a scenario inconceivable outside an ER season finalé. EMTs rushing gurneys through the sliding glass doors. Nurses shouting into telephones. The word "stat" spinning through the room like a dagger at a circus.

Your quote in the Arkansas Democratic-Gazette's article sums up the danger. "I've been stung thousands of times and never had any problems," you said, "but I know people who have been stung twice and almost died."

You are a hero, sir. A protector of the sick and bee-allergic.

And you are also a fraud.

"Thousands of times", Dr. Kinchen? Who has the opportunity in life to be stung thousands of times by vicious bees? What game are you playing here? Why are you at war with the bees? What have you done to them? Your experiments have gone too far, doctor. The best of intentions lead to the worst of deeds.

Damn it, man, you are not God!

Don't cross the bees, doctor. This was only a warning. As I so painfully know, they are capable of much, much worse. They took my Meredith from me. Pray they take nothing more from you.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman