On letting go

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dick Cheney, vice president of the United States
Re: Excuses

Dear Dick,

Listen, I think it's time for an intervention. I've given you a pass for a while now, but I feel like I should finally speak up. We've been close for what, over thirty years? Most of my friends from those days are either dead or my current enemies, and I don't want you to go down either path. Remember the '74 Bilderberg meeting? When you were in that coffin with a ribbon tied around your penis? I want you to think about those times. Think about the trust we shared, and listen to me.

It's time to quit it with all the war justifications. I saw your toadie Bush give his speech today about bin Laden trying to use Iraq as a terrorist base. I think the general public is as stupid as you do, Dick, but a toddler could see through this crap. First of all, everyone knows you made that bin Laden guy up. My parents tried the same thing. There was no hook-handed pedophile living in their liquor cabinet. It was just full of delicious liquor. All these bin Laden stories are stretching America's suspension of disbelief. The concept's so tired, you might as well start teaming him up with other phantom enemies from the past. Saying bin Laden tried to set up an Iraqi terrorist base in 2005 is no more plausible than saying bin Laden and Gaddafi have built a gravity ray to capture the moon.

And even if your story wasn't made up, any Google search could tell you the war started in in 2003. People are going to ask questions, Dick. This isn't like Roswell. Some redneck farmer finds a mess of dead aliens in his back yard, and you can trot out some general fifty years later to say the farmer mistook seeing alien bodies in 1947 with seeing dead soldiers on the news in 1953. It's called "time compression", and people bought it because it sounded plausible.

But you can't explain away two years of unjustified war with "time compression", Dick. Stick the pacifier back in Bush's mouth and go on television yourself. Tell everyone the truth about this war. It's not about freedom. It's not about weapons of mass destruction. It's not about terrorism.

It's about little Dicky Cheney. Remember what they used to sing about him? "Little Dicky Cheney, he's so Gay-ney!" You sang it that night in Portugal. Holding your ribbon-wrapped penis and slapping the sides of your coffin. Whatever you took that afternoon must have finally kicked in. We all watched you cry. Well, except Kissinger. I think he laughed a little bit.

Still, you need to let go. Bring the troops home. You have nothing to prove, Dick. I've seen your balls. They're like ostrich eggs.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


RESPONSE
From: The Office of the Vice President
To: Laurence Shandy
Re: Excuses

Thank you for e-mailing Vice President Cheney. Your comments, suggestions and concerns are important to him. Unfortunately, because of the large volume of e-mail received, the Vice President cannot personally respond to each message. However, members of the Vice President's staff consider and report citizen ideas and concerns. Please visit the White House web site for the most up-to-date information on Presidential initiatives, current events, and topics of interest to you.

Thank you again for taking the time to write.