On giving thanks

From: Laurence Shandy
To: John Ashcroft, former United States attorney general
Re: Celebrating sodomy

Dear Mr. Ashcroft,

Laurence Shandy here. I know it's been a while, but I'm sure you remember me. We sure had some good times while you were in office. I've never used so much Crisco in all my life. Frankly, it's been a dull nation without you around. Where's the titillation in an attorney hiring scandal? You, sir, brought sexy back to Washington. No longer would the Spirit of Justice just stand around with a tit hanging out. Where's the mystery in that? By covering her dangerous curves with velvety curtains, you restored the sensuality of the law. The Spirit of Justice should be a cocktease, not some gutter slut.

But the biggest event of your tenure is what I want to celebrate. 397 years ago today, the Virginia colony passed the first anti-sodomy laws in North America. For nearly half a millennium, the United States' ass bandits, butt spelunkers, and sausage hiders would have to practice their passion in secret. And in 2003, two men in Harris County, Texas were doing just that. On an anonymous tip, the local police stormed Mr. Tyrone Garner's apartment and hauled him off to jail for making whoopee with Mr. John Geddes Lawrence (no relation).

Mr. Garner's case finally made it to the Supreme Court in 2003, where the justices struck down Texas' anti-buggery law as unconstitutional. What a relief it must have been to realize your justice department could finally be associated with something positive. No longer did you have to suffer under the boxy shadow of Janet Reno and her Branch Davidian-burning, Ruby Ridge-shooting B.A.T.F. It was as if the nation bent over, spread its cheeks, and bellowed forth a Bronx cheer of liberty. At long last, those of us who would enter through the exit, ride the chocolate rocket, or even dive headfirst into a muff could live in peace and security.

So, I say its time we catch up, Mr. Ashcroft. I've got a tub of Crisco here, and I'm ready for you to anoint me. Or I can anoint you. I'm a top or bottom.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman