On being practical

Memorial Day Special
6 PRACTICAL USES FOR DEAD IRAQI CHILDREN

To celebrate this Memorial Day, I present this reprinted article from the May 2003 issue of Vanity Fair, shortly after President Bush's famous "Mission Accomplished" speech.

With the war in Iraq officially over and the mighty United States hailed as the inarguable victor, the average Joe Q. Everyman may be tempted to pack up his concerns and move on to fresh ideological pastures – say, figuring out how to exact revenge upon the French or strategizing a way to ease back into segregated public education. But our work in that former Middle Eastern dictatorship – while done – is far from finished. Before the U.S. military ceased and destroyed any official count, the number of fatally liberated Iraqis reached well over 3,500. And those are just the civilians! Add that tally to the almost five hundred American freedom martyrs so far (3,443 confirmed American deaths as of May 2007 - ed.), and you have a lot of dead people on your hands.

Sure, you can rifle through the pockets of the adults and sell their valuables back to their grieving families for an inflated price – thus, teaching capitalism. And you can just ask the news not to take pictures of all the dead Americans. But what good is a dead Iraqi child? It’s not like they owned anything.

Well, they may be more useful than you think. Here are six simple suggestions for making the most of all those dead kids.

1. Dog food

Let’s face it, our furry little pets don’t eat the finest cuts of meat. Most pet food factories consist of a giant meat grinder mincing up tons upon tons of horse lips, pig tails, and old tires into delicious looking nuggets. Why subject all our less adorable animals to simple meat products and waste all those perfectly good automotive supplies when there is a ready supply of fresh meat available amongst the ruins of downtown Baghdad? Many Iraqi children who survived our initial Shock and Awe campaign have since picked up a fun looking bit of undetonated cluster bomb and subsequently been blown into thousands of tiny pieces. That cuts down on half the meat grinding right there. Flatten some of those youngsters down into thin, wavy strips, and Fido won’t know he’s not having bacon for dinner!

2. Education

If an Iraqi mother of two can't understand when a U.S. soldier tells her to stay in the pantry while he rifles through her jewelry box, then perhaps a visit from the recognizable half of her son could make the point.

3. Experimentation

Who’s to say an enterprising young professor couldn’t sew together some ripe pieces of Iraqi child, add a little formaldehyde, shoot it full of electricity, and create a living, breathing, semi-sentient ghoul fully capable of being programmed to sing, dance, and love freedom? How about it, science?

4. Fuel

The Iraqi population has relied for such a long time on their oil supply for amenities such as central heating and transportation that they’re probably going to be pretty angry about our having won it from them. Until they realize that eighteen Iraqi children burn almost as well as a drum of oil. And with half the toxic emissions. Plus, unlike oil, dead Iraqi children don’t take millions of years to be replenished. Just nine months and a couple of smart bombs later, and you’ve got enough fuel to last through the winter.

5. Conversation

Remember when the Berlin wall was toppled by the focused will of native Germans to live in a united, sovereign, and free country? Well, the people of Iraq kind of did the same thing. Except we helped them out with bombs. But no one would recognize a piece of Iraqi wall displayed on your coffee table. They’d probably think you just lifted it from the construction site across town where the Planned Parenthood center is being leveled to make room for a new Super Wal-Mart. But there’s no arguing with the authenticity of a dead Iraqi kid’s finger. It’s slightly browner than a normal person’s finger, and it comes with a signed certificate of authenticity from Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (remember those days? - ed.). Such a unique historical souvenir is the perfect icebreaker.

6. Sustenance

Urban legend maintains that some of our favorite movers and shakers live off of the life-giving energies stored within the blood of dead Iraqis – especially dead Iraqi children. Rumor has it that super sexy Fox News anchor Shepard Smith, Roger Ailes, and Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz all shrivel up and die if not pumped full of nutritious bodily juices from dead Iraqi kids. No one knows for sure if this is true, but why not send them a few carcasses just in case?