On being vigilant

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Joseph Fusz, assistant state's attorney, Lake County, IL
Re: Child pornography

Dear Mr. Fusz,

Paragon of American letters Laurence Shandy here. Kudos on your recent high-profile child pornography bust. Seventeen-year-old Christopher Colles will soon be rotting behind bars like the predator he is. Asking another seventeen-year-old girl for nude pictures on the Internet? She's just a child! I don't even want to think about it, but he was probably planning this for a while. Christ, man, they were probably in the same chem class. Who knows how many days he spent staring through his safety goggles, ogling her as she adjusted her Bunsen burner. Disgusting.
The mandatory four to fifteen year prison sentence is simply not enough.

Frankly, I've been afraid for the moral fortitude of my own illegitimate daughter, Laurencia. She has her eyes on some boy named Jackson in her third grade class. She wouldn't shut up about him. I could barely hear myself drinking. If she would have mentioned Jackson's "adorable blond hair" one more time, I'd have turned her in myself.

I tried to explain it to her, Mr. Fusz. Jackson's just a child. Seeing him as some kind of sexual object is nothing short of criminal! I tore his picture from her yearbook and burned it right in front of her eyes. And then I educated her about when it's appropriate to feel attracted to people. Her eyes shouldn't be on her pre-pubescent classmates! If she's going to desire someone, she should desire a full-grown man with abs and pecs! A man with pubic hair and dropped testicles!

And it's not just this Colles kid and my illegitimate daughter who are the problems. Just the other day I saw two children making out in car outside Chili's. They couldn't have been over sixteen. With all that tongue wagging, I couldn't even tell who was the predator and who was the victim.

Here's a statistic. 75% of girls in this country have had sex before they turn twenty. That's right, sir. They aren't simply posing nude for their classmates. They are all being statutorily raped by their peers.

Think about that, Mr. Fusz.

It's a statistic so sobering, I'm off to Chili's for a few El Presidentes. If I see any teenagers making out, I'll keep an eye on them for you. I'll sit near a window, sip my margarita, and watch and watch and watch.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman