On making the most

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Barry Lynn, atmospheric scientist, Columbia University
Re: Climate change

Dear Mr. Lynn,

International superstar and science fan Laurence Shandy here. Congratulations on your study group's findings making national news. You may be simply riding the coattails of global warming mania, but a hit's a hit. I like that you put a relatively local spin on your story. Not only is the whole world growing warmer, but the Eastern United States will become especially toasty. Now that's a story that'll play in Peoria. Peoria is east of the Mississippi isn't it? I'll look it up later.

I think you're making a mistake, however, in casting yourself as the apocalyptic soothsayer character. Al Gore's already cornered that market. Running with quotes like "Unless we take some strong action to curtail carbon dioxide emissions, it's going to get a lot hotter" is Gore territory. You're just inviting comparison you can't possibly live up to. I said the same thing to Tony Blair when he was first thinking about reinventing himself into the Thatcher-esque hawk he's become. "Stick with what you know, Tony," I said, but he wouldn't listen. And now look where he is. Plopped on the couch watching Neighbors reruns and enjoying an early retirement. Is that any way to live?

So, here's some free advice, Mr. Lynn. Ease up on the doom and gloom. We're going to keep emitting carbon dioxide, and the Earth is going to keep getting warmer. Just ask a polar bear. Quick, before it drowns. Global warming is a vague, unfightable concept. Like terrorism. So, I say you corner an area of the new (warmer) world market that doesn't already have a spokes-celebrity. Why not talk up all the benefits of an east coast with a 90-degree average temperature? Hey, no more worrying about where you put your sweater. Isn't Fudgie the Whale even more delicious on a hot summer day? Why don't we go outside and see if you can really fry an egg on the sidewalk? Remember that old Crocodile Mile in the back of the shed? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Maybe you could write a book about making the most of warmer weather. You don't have to tell people you're an environmental scientist. Why not say you're a comedian? You could be just like that guy with the stupid hair who wrote that book about how women's boyfriends don't really like them. You could call your bestseller something like Burnin' Up! or It's Gettin' Hot in Here! You know, something with a dropped "G" and an exclamation point. Maybe there could be a picture on the cover with a bunch of sweaty people playing volleyball. Like that scene from Top Gun. And maybe the inside of the dust jacket could be a tanning mirror.

I'm getting excited just thinking about this, Barry. You think the Dakota Building would have a problem with me setting up a Crocodile Mile in my flat?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman