On minding manners

From: Laurence Shandy
To: George W. Bush, president of the United States of America
Re: Etiquette

Dear George,

Laurence Shandy here. I know I haven't written you in a while, but I've been overseas helping to clean up your mess in Babylon. Seriously, all this over a woman? Saddam hadn't even spoken to Laura in years. You two were barely even married when you caught her riding his mustache. And, frankly, weren't you a little out of it yourself? It was a Bilderberg party, George. Just because there's no Cremation of Care ceremony, it doesn't mean the debauchery should fly just like out at the Grove. Lighten up.

So, I hear the old battleaxe herself is coming to visit today. Don't mention me to the Queen. We never got on very well. She wanted me to be a mindless golem just like her husband, and I'll have none of that. I'm my own man, I said. And so what if I stole her son's wife? If Liz invites me to live with her in the palace, then it's my bed too, don't you think? Where else where Diana and I supposed to sixty-nine? I can still hear the Queen's sensuous, warbly voice. "This is no way to treat a monarch!" she yelled. "Maybe not," I said, "but this is." And I pulled her into bed with us.

Sometimes those things we desire most cause us the most shame.

Anyway, if you're going to be hosting a white tie and tails dinner for the queen of England, I thought you might need some refreshing on your table etiquette. I know you haven't participated in a formal ceremony since you masturbated in a coffin at Skull and Bones, so you're probably lost. Not to worry. To wit:

Arriving at the table

First things first. Look for your placecard. You'll probably be seated at the head of the table, but that spot my be reserved for Her Royal Majesty. Your name will be written on the placecard in calligraphy, so don't bother reading it. Just stand behind each chair until someone else sits in it, then slap that person on the back and ask him/her how the hell he/she is. When there is only one empty seat, sit in it.
Immediately place your napkin in your lap. Don't shake it out or flap it around first. Don't tuck it in your collar. If it's folded into the shape of a swan, don't flap its wings and yell for Dick Cheney to take a shot while the shooting's good.
If you are seated next to someone you don't know, politely introduce yourself. If you're seated next to the queen, don't compliment her on her titties. She knows she has lovely titties. She is, after all, the queen.

The place setting

Intimidated by all those glasses and all that silverware? Don't freak out, George. Keep your voice down and remain calm. It's actually very simple. Knives and spoons are on the right side of your plate, and forks are on the left. Work from the outside in. You know your right from left, correct? Your right hand is the one you wave with. Your left is the one the devil loves.
Speaking of, remember to keep your hands out of your pants. Yes, the queen has a beautiful chest and sultry eyes, but store that fantasy for later.

During the meal

Don't fiddle with your tie. It's a clip-on, and people will be able to tell.
Hold your red wine glass by the bowl and your white wine glass by the stem. Where's the beer? There isn't any. Don't ask. "I could use a brewsky right about now", while not technically a question, is still considered a request.
There should be three to four lines of cocaine under your salad plate. Snort them after the salad and before the main course. No, you cannot save them for later, and no, you cannot have any more lines.
Do not ask for any of "that pickle powder" for your meal. It's fine on popcorn and great on Condy Rice's thighs, but not so appropriate for a formal meal. Most people don't like their roast beef with a pickle flavor, so it's salt and pepper only.
If the queen asks you to pass the salt, it's polite to pass both the salt and the pepper. In England, people usually mean both. Kind of like how in Texas a "Coke" means just about any kind of soft drink. And how a "terrorist" is pretty much anybody you don't like.
If one of the queen's magnificent breasts happens to pop out of her top, do not push it back in with your face. Also, do not clear your throat and hold your cupped hands in front of your chest like you're weighing imaginary cantaloupes. Instead, pretend nothing has happened. If the dessert course is served and the breast is still exposed, it is acceptable to take a quick lick of the queen's nipple as long as you don't smack afterwards.

By now you'll probably have forgotten about the rule barring self-pleasure. Please, George, if someone catches you manipulating yourself at the dinner table, do not make a quip about "giving the surge time to work". It's simply not funny. On any level.

Enjoy your meal.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman