On knowing what's what

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sean Hannity, host, Hannity & Colmes
Re: Mexicans

Dear Sean,

Journalistic icon Laurence Shandy here. First of all, Sean, let me register a complaint over your online dating service, Hannidate. Supposedly, Hannidate it set up to match conservatively minded singles. As you may know, I'm not as young as I used to be. I maintain a healthy lifestyle of narcotics and cosmetic surgery, but I'll be the first to admit I can't keep up with the kinky, sex-hungry groupies who writhe on the shoulders of life's highway. Every now and then, I like to pack away the butt plugs and lactation pumps and just have some old fashioned missionary fun. I joined Hannidate to meet a woman who might fulfill this need. Frankly, sir, I believe your screening process should be tweaked. Through your service, I met someone called A. Coulter. The profile seemed to fit. Pro-Bush, pro-war, pro-religion. That's an anti-kink recipe if I ever heard one. But upon our first meeting, I was shocked to discover that A. Coulter was an insectoid transvestite. Sean, if I wanted to have sex with one of those, I would have unbolted my basement door. Of course, I made love to it anyway. I am a curious man, plus I already paid my Hannidate membership fees. The beast said it knows you personally. If that's true, sir, may I suggest deleting its account before others fall into the same trap I did? Christ, man, it was like fucking a praying mantis!

But that's not why I'm writing to you today. I recently witnessed your dressing down of the entire nation of Mexico for the boos our Miss USA received at the Miss Universe pageant held south of the border. Your sniveling lesser half, Colmes, and his illegal immigrant lackey claimed the boos were all in the spirit of competition -- that Miss Mexico didn't make the cut, so the catcalls were borne out of jealousy. That's as may be, but this kind of behavior has become a pattern with the Mexicans. You were right to say we're the ones who should be upset with them over forcing us to build a fence along our border. They scurry across our deserts like scorpions, and with the money they make trimming our hedges and laying our bricks, they don't even have the decency to contribute to our economy. They send their vast fortunes back home to feed another generation of freeloaders and malcontents.

Why just the other day, I paid my Mexican housemaid Consuela four American dollars for spit-shining my Peabody awards. Honestly, I should have cut that rate in half, since the moron also polished my Polks. She is not to touch the Polks, and she knows that. Regardless, I gave her a five, for which she couldn't even make change with paper money. She had to give me back a dollar in nickels which she dug from her rancid car. Still, she could have used that five to feed the lunch machine I keep next to the trash bin out back (thus contributing to the cycle of capitalism), but she instead folded up the bill and slipped it into an envelope addressed to one of her children back in the Old Country.

Are you kidding me, Consuela? Her twelve-year-old is the only one who's literate (I know because he sent me a letter ensuring that there wasn't a history of AIDS in his family. I've learned not to take Consuela at her word.), and he's too busy at the Choco-Taco factory to check the mail. Besides, we all know the Mexican government screens all incoming mail for money. Then they use that money to pay people to cross our border, thus forcing us to build border fences composed of cheap, Mexican-made chain-link.

Their booing of our Miss USA is just a symptom of a much larger disease, Sean, and kudos for nailing the right issue here. They can claim the right to free speech all they want, but if they love free speech so much, why don't they just become Americans? We've got a lot of fence to build, and we're going to need all the help we can get.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

P.S. I just logged on to Hannidate and couldn't help noticing the featured profile, a 31-year-old youth pastor whose slogan is "Just following my leader: Sean". Shouldn't this guy's leader be Jesus? I'm not one to seek too many brains in my sex partners, but there's a limit, Sean. Weed these people out!