On playing god

From: Laurence Shandy
To: John Burn, director of human genetics institute, Newcastle University
Re: Human/animal hybrids

Dear Prof. Burn,

Laurence Shandy here. I hear you're looking to begin work on developing human/animal hybrid tissue for use in stem cell research. Fortunately, the British government has given the go-ahead. After years of hotter heads prevailing with delusions of a dystopian future wherein the world is controlled by a four-headed queen bee and her bee-man drones, it's good to know that science has won out. Obviously you're not looking to fertilize human eggs with animal sperm or vice-versa. At least not yet.

Of course nobody wants his or her firstborn son to be taken by the bee-people for sexual experiments, but that's really only reason enough not to combine our precious DNA with the honey makers. There are, however, several animals whose genetic material would make an excellent addition to our own. Why not see this new legislation as a foot in the door for the burgeoning augmentation movement? And by "burgeoning", I mean I've just started it. There's still time to get in on the ground floor, Professor.

Think about it. Haven't you always wanted to swing from branch to branch of the Honduran rainforest like a monkey? Cast off that British repression and think about that kind of freedom. With a pair of monkey arms and a prehensile tail, we could enjoy that freedom together. Just you and me at first, but there will be others. We will build a palace of banana trees high in the canopy. We will dine on the fresh coconut milk our gibbon/cheerleader slaves bring to us, and we sill sit on thrones built from the bones of our enemies. Haven't you ever wondered what a night with a buxom coed/ostrich hybrid would be like? Don't you know how far up those legs would go?

But that's in the future. It's all about baby steps. I'll spread the word among the trustworthy while you go ahead with your whole stem cell thing. I suppose a cure for Parkinson's might come in handy in our new world order.

Keep in touch, Professor. Or should I call you the Monkey Queen? Or I can be the queen. Whatever. I'm flexible.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman/monkey