On faith in action

Dear readers,

As a tribute to the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, whose heart stopped because it was two sizes too small, I present to you this correspondence from the Letters from Shandy archives. Last year, I wrote to Ms. Ruth Malhotra (pictured), a student at the Georgia Institute of Technology, who was suing the school for violating her civil right to badmouth homosexuals. Rev. Falwell would have been proud of her. Regretfully, I have no idea how her lawsuit turned out, because I refuse to research the issue. Each of us grieves in our own way, and laziness is mine.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


From: Laurence Shandy
To: Ruth Malhotra
Re: Lawsuit

Dear Ruth,

Worldwide literary wonder Laurence Shandy here. I read about your recent lawsuit against the Georgia Institute of Technology for not letting you express your Christian faith through vocal proclamations against homosexuals. I get that. Once, Harold Bloom and I were rolling on ex in his motel room during an AWP conference -- I think it was in Cleveland -- and we decided to take out the Gideon Bible and highlight the silliest parts. He particularly enjoyed the erotic symbolism of the apostle Thomas' poking of Jesus' hand holes. He giggled so hard, I could barely keep his penis in my mouth. My favorite part, though, was the bit where the apostle Paul writes about how women who braid their hair give Jesus diarrhea. Or something like that. Anyway, it was funny. My point is, we were free to do and say whatever we wanted, because we were in America, and we were paying by the hour.

As an American, I cannot abide the repression you face every day when your God-given bigotry is disallowed. People of all faiths and creeds should be allowed to say whatever they want to anyone they want, regardless of how "intolerant" such sentiments may be. Even if you said you wanted to round up all the gays and dump them in a vat of feral sharks, you should be offered the same protection as someone who says he or she wants to murder the president or -- God forbid -- Katie Couric.

I myself have fallen victim to anti-free-speechers, agenda-mongers, and other hyphenates when publicly practicing my own faith. You see, I belong to the Church of Everlasting Beauty. We believe in compassion, understanding, and generosity of spirit. Also, we hate the crap out of ugly people -- or, as we call them, ugloes. Our god is the hypothetical child of Salma Hayek and Johnny Depp. Jalma. And praise be to Jalma's name when some soccer mom with no mascara goes to Wal-Mart and gets punched in the face by a follower of the CEB. Jalma smiles upon those who would track down club girls with fat rolls hanging over their rhinestone belts and key their Mustangs. What Not to Wear on TLC is our 700 Club.

Which brings me to my real reason for writing you, Ruth. You have got to do something about your makeup. You look like you dipped your broken-out head in a vat of lacquer and hit yourself in the face with a frying pan. And that American flag pin? So September 11th, 2001. It's '06, baby! Know it and show it.

And I know a doctor who can fix that nose.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman