On intolerance

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mitt Romney, GOP presidential candidate
Re: Faith

Dear Mitt,

International literary icon Laurence Shandy here. First off, let me take a moment to marvel at your name. Mitt. Ah, the images that name conjures. Oily leather. Fast-flying balls. Sweat dripping down your brow on a hot spring day. It's a man's name. An American's name. A presidential name.

Too bad you're Mormon, Mitt. I would have loved calling you up on the red phone and making an "executive order" for a little late-night "covert invasion" into my Nicaragua. Man, the eighties were a great decade.

Speaking of your faith, I've heard about Al Sharpton's insensitive comments. About how he said you'd be defeated by those who really believe in God. Is he on crack? Probably not. Just in case you don't know, Mitt, not all black people smoke crack. I know there's not a lot of color in Salt Lake City, so you may need this information to prevent future gaffes. You can thank me later.

Anyway, Sharpton should realize that you both believe in the same God. The God of Abraham. The same God who killed every first-born Egyptian child, who provided instructions for a golden box which rendered the Israelite army invincible, so they could pillage and plunder the land of Canaan. The same God who sent an angel down to Earth to impregnate a virgin teenager with His Holy Seed, so she could give birth to His Son who is also Him who is also a Holy Ghost. You both believe in the miracle that despite a complete lack of historical evidence, this Son who is also God and a Ghost actually existed. And not only did he exist, but he died and was resurrected, whereupon he ascended to Heaven to be with his Father/Self until he comes back at some point in the unknown future. And after 2,000 years, Mitt, you and Al are both still waiting for his return.

You have a lot in common, Mitt, and Al needs to recognize and embrace those similarities. Sure, you have your differences. Al believes that the Holy Ghost can possess human beings and force them to speak in unintelligible tongues. Also, that women who cut their hair or wear pants will suffer for all eternity in a lake of fire.

You, on the other hand, believe that a man from Vermont was visited by an angel named Moroni who told him where to find golden tablets which he translated using magic stones he kept at the bottom of a hat.

Is any of these beliefs more ridiculous than the other? I don't think so, Mitt. They're both equally insane.

Still, you don't have a chance. Maybe you could find a way to spin the whole magic stones thing?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman