On information control

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Gen. B.B. Bell, U.S. Forces Korea commander
Re: Banning MySpace/YouTube

Dear B.B.,

How is it over in Korea these days? I miss my time in Seoul covering the war for Harper's. Those were the days, eh? Expense accounts filling to the brim with enough money to bet on the dog races, pay for a heaping plate of the losers, and still have some left over for a whore or two. Remember when the world was simple, B.B.? When wars were always great? When the public was satiated with a little East vs. West playacting while the rest of us trotted off to some Portugese resort for a little Bilderberg depravity? Maybe you weren't on the inside at that point. But, man, you should have seen Jack Kennedy and Khrushchev after they'd drained a couple barrels. They knew what we wanted to see, and they were more than willing to offer a demonstration.

The best thing about those salad days was the relative dearth of mass communication. There was no e-mail. No MySpace or YouTube or RateMyPoo.com. You could tell your editor your typewriter jammed or your manuscript must've been lost in the mail while you spent a few more days sampling the local delicacies and leaving a trail of bastard children. Hell, it was expected.

Nowadays quotes have to be "recorded". Notes have to be "corroborated" and "e-mailed within a reasonable time". And anyone has access to reality. No longer do people rely on the Fourth Estate for a clearheaded, well-funded, and officially sanctioned account of world affairs. So what if I wrote a seven page Vanity Fair piece on the bright side of life in Vietnam? I could write all I wanted about Saigon's opulent petting zoos and delicious Franco-Asian cuisine. I was payed well by the United States government, and there wasn't a reporter in the world who'd contradict me unless someone paid him to. Money is blind just like justice and Marlee Matlin, and we all know those are both great things. These days there is no code of honor among journalists, because everyone thinks he needs a piece of the pie.

So, I'm all for banning the military from using YouTube and MySpace or any other of these democratizing abominations. Who needs soldiers filming themselves kicking down doors in some Iraqi village and posting those videos on YouTube? Who needs Iraqi villagers photographing soldiers kicking down their doors and posting those photos on their MySpace pages? Those stories are mine to tell or not tell. If a soldier's family back home wants to know whether he's been blown to bits, well that's my jurisdiction. They can read about it deep inside the Wednesday Times just like everyone else who's paid for a subscription. And for the right price, people in a position of command like yourself can tell me what stories you want me to tell. Hell, the price isn't even that high. I'd rather skip the research. That time could be much better spent trying to mail order another Korean whore.

I guess that's why I'm writing to you, General B.B. I haven't been allowed back on the peninsula since that incident with the bottle rocket and the puppy's head. You know the one. The pictures were all over the Hearst papers -- paid for, might I add, by my wealthy and numerous enemies. I don't deny the events in question, but I blame my expense account. If Harper's' circulation hadn't been what it was, I never could have afforded fireworks or puppy parts.

God, I miss those Korean whores. They're just like Japanese whores, but with more cushion.

Anyway, try and pull some strings for me, huh? I can get you an invite to the next Bilderberg meeting if you want? Ever seen Henry Kissinger give Rupert Murdoch a lap dance?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman