On dead weight

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran
Re: Dissident abduction

Dear Mahmoud,

International literary sensation Laurence Shandy here. I'm nervous writing to you, so let's acknowledge that upfront. You're a fantasy of mine. Well, not you specifically, but your type. There's just something about tiny Iranian men and women that drives me crazy. I've not visited your country since the revolution, but I still remember the feeling of riding on top of an itty-bitty Persian. It's like taking a trip on a magic carpet. When I see you on television, I just want to pop you in my mouth like a juicy date. I want to put you in my trouser pocket and rub you against my nether regions all day. Something about that beard and those close-set eyes -- just thinking about them has made me spill my vodka all over myself. I'm dripping wet, Mahmoud, and I want you to lick me dry. Which is worse in the eyes of the Prophet? Tongue-bathing another man or consuming alcohol? Regardless, I'm a double-whammy of guilty pleasure.

Just saying.

So, to the point. I read about your country's recent detention of Haleh Esfandiari, an Iranian-American academic, on suspicion of espionage and inciting democracy. I know you're going to bear the brunt of the blame for this, and I'm sorry. If it were up it you, this kind of thing would never happen. You're an open, easygoing guy. Remember those students who threw firecrackers at you? How you didn't have them all decapitated? That's what I'm talking about! And what kind of brutal dictator would wear those sexy open-collar shirts? None I've ever known.

We all know the real culprit here. Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. He's the bastard who's gotten you in hot water time and time again. What's his problem with the Jews? Did that guy choke on a bagel as a kid? Does he have something against corned beef or witty neurotics? I know you're not an anti-Semite. You just have questions about whether the Jewish holocaust ever happened. That's called critical thinking. And who can blame you, since those fucking Ayatollahs won't let anyone read The Diary of Anne Frank? Spoiler alert: it's depressing. And I bet you can't even rent a DVD of Life is Beautiful. It's a movie about how being obnoxious helped Jewish kids to feel better about being sent to die.

And since the Ayatollah is commander-in-chief of the Iranian military, it was he who captured those British sailors a while ago. And he who tortures political prisoners. And he who can't get with the program fashion-wise.

It's time to dump the dead weight, Mahmoud. Spread your wings. Live free. After all, you're the one who was elected. You have a mandate from the people. Who does the Ayatollah have a mandate from? Allah? That guy's crazy himself! I've never even seen him wearing a nice sports coat in any of his graven images.

May I suggest taking some inspiration from American singer/songwriter Patti Smith's song People Have the Power? You probably can't find her CDs in Iran (fucking Ayatollah), but the song goes something like, "People have the pooooWER! People have the poooooWEH-UR!" And then there's some screaming about something. I can't really remember the rest. I've been licking my arm, and I'm totally plastered.

Yes, that was an invitation.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman