On the Method

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Fred Thompson, presidential candidate
Re: Cruel and inhumane treatment

Dear Fred,

Look, we both know there's no burying this Daily Mail story about your cheating and womanizing ways. And there's no way the media's just going to gloss over the fact that your first wife accused you of "cruel and inhumane" treatment in her divorce filing. What we need to do is put this kind of thing in context. Make people understand.

You first got divorced in 1985. That's also the year you appeared in Marie with Sissy Spacek. So what if you were acting cruel and inhumane at the time. You're an actor, after all, and you had to prepare for a role. Who knows what kind of dark corners of the mind you had to explore in order to breath life into the character of "Sen. Fred Thompson"? How many episodes of Inside the Actors Studio do people have to watch before they understand the separation between actor and character? You're not the harsh, abusive "Sen. Fred Thompson" from the movies. You're Sen. Fred Thompson, a down-home straight-talker with jowls to spare.

As you're jetting around the country trying to establish yourself as a candidate with a platform beyond "Hey, I'm Fred Thompson", why not put on a few one-act shows as your "Fred Thompson" character? I'm thinking a kind of psychologically intense comedy. Something where you marry a teenager and rub your infidelities in her tear-streaked face for all the years of your vaporous marriage. But, you know, with jokes. Maybe we could call it something like "Hey, I'm Fred Thompson"? I'm thinking we can get Neil LaBute on board.

You'll hear from me soon.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On clues

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Rosie O'Donnell, comedian(?)
Re: Book flap

Dear Rosie,

Laurence Shandy here. I was reading your blog as I do every day (even the days you don't update), and I heard about the misprint on the dust jacket of your upcoming memoir, Celebrity Detox (The Fame Game). I have to tell you, I've been looking forward to this book for a while now. No one understands fame like you. After all, you'll be forever remembered as the chubby one from that movie about the girls who play baseball. You know, the one with Madonna and that other girl. Oh, the stories you could tell about Lori Petty.

I was as shocked as you to learn of the gross misrepresentations your publisher has printed on the inside cover flap. "When Rosie O'Donnell's mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1968, ten-year-old Rosie thought fame could cure her." Anyone who knows anything about you knows you were born in 1962, and your mother was diagnosed in 1973! "WTF", indeed.

But I think this was a message, Rosie. Think about it. The anniversary of 9/11 is coming up soon. You're one of the elite few who are willing to talk about the truth behind that fateful day. "In 1968, ten-year-old Rosie". Take a look at the numbers in that so-called misprint. 1-9-6-8-10. Nine minus six equals three. Three plus eight equals eleven. Take the one from the front and subtract it from the ten at the end. Nine. Eleven and nine. Now reverse them and what do you get? Nine eleven.

They're on to you, Rosie. You're too close. You never should have opened your goddamn mouth. Do you know the connections your publisher, Grand Central Publishing, has with the Bush administration? Their name is no train reference. The Grand Central Lodge is the meeting house of the Freemasonic masterminds behind the 9/11 conspiracy. They gather there every solstice to drink baby's blood from owl sculptures and masturbate on a pile of money.

Listen to me, Rosie. You must leave the country before they make their next move. They've already destroyed your stand-up career, your movie career, your television career, and your publishing career. What's next? If you're not careful, you'll be spending the rest of your days making personal appearances aboard gay cruise lines for a couple of dollars and a buffet ticket.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On respecting a tenor

Luciano Pavarotti died today. In tribute, I present this classic duet with Barry White.