On inside jobs

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Barbara Walters, ABC's The View
Re: Rosie's exit

Dear Babs,

How have you been? I know there's some bad blood between us since the unfortunate incident of '86. I'm sorry I sliced you in the face with that fern. Wow. It feels so good to ask forgiveness. But you must understand that a stoic man's man such as myself cannot be made to weep without retaliation. I've been wanting to ask you for twenty years now, but why did you insist on interviewing me on a pastel sofa surrounded by ferns? What possible reason could you have had?

Anyway, time heals all wounds. Even fern-induced lacerations to the eye.

Bygones aside, there's another reason I'm writing you today. I heard the news about Rosie O'Donnell's departure from The View. Of course you had nothing to do with it. You disagree with Rosie's opinions, but you would never wish harm upon her. Yours is an all-encompassing love. A blind love, even. (Sorry. How is that eye, by the way?)
Rosie blames contract negotiations. It's nobody's fault, she says. It's an unfortunate coincidence. But we all know the truth. She's a liability to the network. She's a lightning rod of controversy. ABC can't risk weathering the blowback from another of her tirades, and that's that.

Or is it?

I don't want to sound like a nut, but have you ever considered that Rosie's leaving you and Joy and that blond thing all alone out there in the wilderness of daytime television might have been an inside job? Sure Rosie has taken a little heat in her tenure as resident overweight blowhard.

So she's attacked Catholics. So what? We all know they were asking for it with the whole transubstantiation bullshit. I mean really. It's called cannibalism, people. Google it.

So she's used her position to defend the relative cleanliness of Clay Aiken's hand. She's right! If Kelly Ripa doesn't want Clay's fingers in her mouth, of course she's a homophobe! And worse, she's a hypocrite. That mouth is nothing but the intake valve of a sperm silo.

And there was the whole "ching-chong" Chinese thing. But, come on. They do talk like that. And it's fucking hilarious.

But since when has such heat been enough to melt the steely will of A League of Their Own's Rosie O'Donnell. It's physically impossible! No, she must have sabotaged herself. It only makes sense!

Think about it. She was able to fake a crush on Tom Cruise for what? Five years? Such a cunning illusionist is capable of anything.

No, Babs, I don't know what her killshot will be, but I'm warning you as a friend. Keep an eye on Rosie. The good one, anyway.

Sorry.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman