On making headway

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Reese Witherspoon, actress
Re: Salary

Dear Ms. Witherspoon,

Congratulations! No, I'm not talking about your recent split from husband Ryan Phillippe, although I suppose some kudos are in order there. I'm sure you'll sleep better at night without that droopy monotone buzzing in your cranium, and you'll make more successful morning trips to the bathroom without worrying about tripping over your ex-husband's perpetually pouty lower lip. How did you deal with that thing, by the way? Did it rest in a kind of bedpan on the floor? And what about the drool problem?

Anyway, as happy as I am that you've finally cut the dead weight, I'm even happier that you've been named the highest paid actress in our great nation! Now you can finally afford to fix your face. It warms my heart to know that even the pie-faced and butt-nosed among us kind climb the ladder of Hollywood success all the way to the top. Of course, it didn't hurt that you gave all the stepped-on masses below you quite a view. From the neck down, you're quite a looker!

However, you may want to hold off on the reconstructive surgery for a spell. Who knows whether you've risen to the top of the pay heap based on your talents and not your handicap? After all, it seems a little hard to justify a $20 million price tag for an actress who didn't even have the lead role in her most successful film in five years. In fact, your monetary value could be directly related to your appeal among America's dumpy. Soccer moms across this great land can peel their husbands away from the emotionally numbing television long enough to go see one of your romantic comedies, then come home and not feel so threatened when they look in the mirror. There's something to be said for such a talent. Maybe that's why Scarlett Johansson's movies never make any money. I take one look at her perfect proportions, and I almost want to kill myself. And I'm better looking than you!*

That said, you may want to go under the knife after all. The young Sissy Spacek had kind of a so-ugly-you-want-to-fuck her appeal, but now that she's hit middle age, it's more like a so-ugly-god-she's-so-ugly "appeal". If you don't want to waste away your golden years playing the mother of the girl who falls in love with her dog on the Hallmark Channel, a little nip and tuck might do you wonders. Just don't spend all your money in one place.

Unless, of course, that place is your face.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

*As judged by the readers of the July 14, 2003 issue of Teen People.

On clarification

From: Laurence Shandy
To: The Guy on Craigslist Who Used My Article to Make a Political Point
Re: The Use of My Article to Make a Political Point

Dear Guy on Craigslist Who Used My Article to Make a Political Point,

I'm not really sure what kind of political point you're trying to make by using my Vanity Fair article on the practical uses for dead Iraqi children. You were responding to a particularly anti-Muslim post on the San Diego Craigslist site, and you mention something about a photo of 9/11 and "Ameritards".

First of all, no photo of 9/11 accompanied my article. It is, instead, a photo of Muslim women and children running and screaming from an explosion in Iraq. As New York City is, in fact, a city--not some desert wasteland with a single lightpost--you should have been able to stave off this error using simple context clues.

Second, my article does not blame "all Muslims for the actions of GWB". I'm assuming here that by "GWB", you mean George W. Bush, though if you're actually talking about Geoffrey Winslow Bates, screen star Kathy Bates' less popular son, then I apologize. I don't blame all Muslims for the actions of George W. Bush. In fact, I don't blame all Muslims for anything. It's silly to go making blanket accusations against such a huge group of people. Unless, of course, one would like to blame all Muslims for practicing the Looney Tunes-esque absurdity that is Islam. Which I would, and I do.

Regardless, my article was not meant to be political in any way. With its helpful hints and do-it-yourself spirit, it's really no more controversial than an episode of Surprise by Design. But instead of telling you how you can make the most of your old drapes, I'm offering suggestions as to how to use all the adolescent body parts that would otherwise be thrown in Halliburton's collateral damage bins.

That said, the World Trade Center towers would still be standing in all their retro '70s glory if it weren't for the murderous Islamic doctrine so cynically and inhumanely fed into the fallow minds of Muslim youth born and bred to follow the arbitrary laws laid out by an illiterate, child-raping warlord from the 7th century.

Also, 9/11 had nothing to do with the war in Iraq. What are you, an Ameritard?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On misplaced anger

From: Laurence Shandy
To: The Government of Sudan
Re: Jailed teacher

Dear Sudan,

Don't you like how I didn't call you "the" Sudan? I've done the research into your beautiful country, and I found out that you're not a "the". In fact, there are very few countries that are "the"s. Ukraine is just called Ukraine. The Netherlands is... Actually, isn't Holland really The Netherlands? I don't know, and, frankly, I don't care.

See, I'm not an insensitive type. Just because I'm white and of European Christian decent, and I'm not totally ignorant to your customs and ways. Sure, when people mention "The" Sudan, they can't help but harp on guerrilla fighters abducting young boys and mutilating the genitals of young girls, but there's a lot more going on in your fine country. However, you make an even worse name for yourselves when you overreact like you've just done.

You can't go throwing British school teachers in jail simply because they let their students name the class teddy bear Mohammed. It's a very popular name, like Whiskers or Sugar Smax (my teddy bear's name). It's definitely not blasphemy, no matter how you define it. And I have to tell you, the West doesn't look kindly upon any country that enforces blasphemy laws. Unless, of course, you're talking about Saudi Arabia, but they're kind of like the rich kid on the block. He's a bastard, but where else are you going to play Neo-Geo?

The least you can do is stave off any hypocrisy charges by cracking down on disrespectful depictions of the Prophet across the board. Why not start with that book you guys like. The Koran? Or is it just Koran? Regardless, that thing is chock full of all sorts of libelous claims about Mr. Mohammed. Are you really going to let malicious publishers flagrantly violate your blasphemy laws by printing books describing your most cherished celebrity as a war-mongering, bloodthirsty, illiterate pedophile with an inferiority complex almost as big as his head?

Throw the literati in jail along with that so-called "teacher". Maybe they can use their "education" to talk about "books". You know, stuff that has no place in Sudan. But no matter how tempted you are, please don't mutilate anyone else's genitals. That kind of stuff is getting harder and harder to explain.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman