On lazy writing

From: Laurence Shandy
To: MSNBC News Services
Re: Headlines

Dear MSNBC.com,

As an accomplished and award-winning journalist, I understand the tricks of the trade. Most of the time you get your news from the wire services or the television or you just make stuff up and slap your own headline on it. That's what makes the world of news publishing such an attractive and lucrative gig. But I expect a little more creativity from MSNBC. You people got Tucker Carlson to stop wearing that ridiculous bow tie, after all. I'm not asking that you do any actual reporting, but couldn't you honestly come up with a better headline for the Halle Berry pregnancy story than "Berry good! Actress expecting first child"? Here, let's brainstorm a few.

"Bun in the Berry"
"Berry 'Berry' pregnant"
"Is that water weight, or is Berry expecting?"
"Halle shit! Catwoman having litter"
"Boyfriend's semen navigates Berry's cervix, baby results"

Step up your game, MSNBC.com. Or else.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On understanding

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Whoopi Goldberg, ABC's The View
Re: Michael Vick

Dear Ms. Goldberg,

Congratulations on your new job as co-host of The View. It's nice to have an alternative viewpoint on the issues since Rosie left. Did you know that she heard that 9/11 was an inside job? Try as she might to raise the issue, that harpy Joy Behar kept shouting poor Rosie down. Christ, must everyone be a lackey for scientific evidence?

Anyway, your presence offers a refreshing change of pace. It's not often that daytime television benefits from the unique perspective of the eyebrow-impaired. I was particularly impressed by your insightful commentary on the Michael Vick dogfighting debacle. Indeed, no one seems to sympathize with the fact that Vick grew up in a culture where ripping dogs apart for sport was as innocent as a game of Jenga. I myself also grew up in the south, and I can attest to my own difficulty in adapting my regional ways to a cosmopolitan lifestyle. Did you know that up north women are allowed to pray aloud and black people use the same sewer system as everyone else? During my first year as a New Yorker, I was arrested for indecent exposure in Central Park simply for crawfishing in the nude. Luckily, as little more than a paranoid tourist, I kept my wallet safely lodged up my rectum, so I was able to bail myself out. After all, how could I be expected to phone a friend for money when I didn't see a telephone until my early twenties?

It's about time cultural relativism had a say amongst The View's tampon and cleaning supplies advertisements. I'll bet people like Joy Behar would even be appalled by the fact that some people in the world would rather slice their daughters' vaginae off than shove hygiene products up there. What a Philistine!

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman

On medical privacy

From: Laurence Shandy
To: John Edwards, Democratic presidential candidate
Re: Mandatory doctor's visits

Dear John,

It's Labor Day, so I'll make this quick. I have to make it to Hobby Lobby's scrapbooking supplies sale before all those horny divorcees. But I wanted to write and express my deep concern over one aspect of your universal health care plan. Kudos on keeping America's health at the forefront of your campaign. I'm tired of having to wear a breathing mask and a latex body suit whenever I take a cab uptown. But your idea that people who buy into your plan would be required to visit the doctor regularly? I have to say, this doesn't sound very appealing. After all, as an international literary celebrity, I come into contact with a variety of biological nuisances. In the past, I would schedule an appointed with my G.P. after every one of Norman Mailer's Tony Awards parties, but I eventually tired of hearing my doctor moan into his microscope about "further testing" and "keeping my genitals away from poison dart frogs". Trips to the doctor are a bummer, and, in a lifestyle such as mine, relatively useless. Sure, if I break a wrist or need a little pick-me-up, I'll call in for a prescription of pain meds, but do I really need my mouth swabbed on a weekly basis? I've found there's very little a glass of scotch and a four-week enema routine can't cure. There's no reason for me to tax the system, especially if the American taxpayers are footing the bill. Now, I'm off to scrapbook this thing that fell out of my urethra.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, medical miracle