On healing wounds

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Kia Vaughn, Rutgers' Lady Scarlet Knights
Re: Imus

Dear Ms. Vaughn,

Just when I thought I'd never have to wake up and see Don Imus' cadaverous, drooling visage ever again, you have to go and ruin it by suing the guy. Seriously, it's tough to keep my Lucky Charms and whiskey down in the morning when I'm trying to pleasure myself to Ann Curry's cherry blossom lips and I have to see another stock clip of Imus in his cowboy hat and denim shirt stumbling out of a courtroom and into an SUV. I mean, the guy looks like a melted, AIDS-ridden Robert Redford, and his haircut looks like the one on Thomas Jefferson's corpse. As you can tell, I'm no Imus fan, and neither are you. He called your basketball team a bunch of "nappy headed hos", and, in so doing, caused you to be "humiliated", "embarrassed", and "publicly mocked".

Look, Kia, I know your attorney says this lawsuit is about protecting your "good name", but let's face facts. You didn't really have a name before Imus never once mentioned it. No one knew who you were. You have to understand that the American public doesn't understand what's going on here. They don't realize that when Imus said "the Rutgers women's basketball team", he actually meant "Kia Vaughn". All they see is a no-name college athlete who wants to get in on some undeserved cash by falsely claiming imaginary damages that even a third-grader on the playground would shake off and forget. You and I, we know better than that. We understand the medicinal qualities that only money has. Whenever one of my novels or operas receives a negative review, it hurts. And the only thing that can quell that pain is a dip in my money pool. It's a kidney-shaped pit of greenback relief.

The poor commoners of America can't afford money holes, so they choose to judge those who would mend their emotional wounds with cold, hard cash. All I'm saying is, your case probably isn't going to go anywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if Imus gets off on the technicality that he never ever mentioned your name in any way ever at all. And if that happens, where are you left? You'll just be another in the long line of hilariously frivolous litigators cordoned off in the back of America's collective mind.

On the other hand, if you could somehow claim Imus' comments gave you whiplash, I've seen a couple of attorneys on TV who might be able to get you a check.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman