On race baiting

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Gov. Mitt Romney, presidential candidate
Re: Illegal immigrants

Dear Mitt,

Some have accused you of flagrant race baiting in your recent radio ad denouncing cities with "sanctuary" laws protecting illegal immigrants from deportation. And by "some", I mean me. But others will follow. These ads are running in the campaign states of Iowa and New Hampshire--not the most ethnically diverse of states. With a 96% white majority population, the only illegal immigrants Iowans face are corn-eating beetles. "Immigrant", as you well know, is simply a political euphemism for "Mexican", which, in the minds of the conservative base, is a euphemism for "darkie". Middle America no longer fears the anonymous black man released from prison by a Democratic candidate soft on crime. Instead, they tremble at the thought of a brown man doing their jobs for less money and becoming the toast of the company picnic with his homemade fajitas.

I'm no Karl Rove (and I also happen to be an Obama endorser), but I think I can help you spin this. Painting yourself as a Mormon was a smart move. Americans find Mormons adorable--all dimples and singing. With their magic underpants and aversion to caffeine, the Mormons come across as quirky and harmless as the Smurfs. I won't even mention the polygamy except to say it's the stuff dreams are made of. Since you have a college degree, I'm sure you don't actually believe any of that crap, but you can make it work for you.

Instead of coming across as a cynical power-grabber willing to play to your constituents' basest bigotry, why not play up the Mormon card. After all, according to the angel Moroni in his revelation to the prophet Joseph Smith, the Mexicans are actually descendants of the wicked and warlike Lamanites. Due to their inherently evil nature, God cursed them with dark skin, "that they might not be enticing unto my people" (2 Nephi 5:21). Blame your racism on your religion, Mitt, and you're scott free. It's against decorum to question a person's beliefs.

And if the anti-Mormon set still keeps pushing, simply tell them how the church finally lifted its ban against baptizing blacks in 1978. However, this may be hard to prove since, according to the Book of Mormon, the darkness in a person's skin lightens once he accepts the gospel.

Tell you what, I'll get back to you on that.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman